Seeing as though we are renaming everything from hospitals to streets after greats from the past, the time has come for car manufacturers to be brought into line as well. Henceforth models will have to be named after current political giants and include features which are a tribute to the characters after whom they are named.
The Volvo McBride — sleek 2-litre vehicle which rolls every third trip. It’s a bomb but don’t take our word for it. Get behind the wheel of a McBride and feel the whole world spin.
The Ford Manto — unfortunately only available in beetroot red. No we kidney, we’re quite serious. The car has no aids … or other features.
The Hyundai Malema — this car’s got a lot of zuma … 3-litre monster with gammy brakes, which will kill many people who get in its way. TO DIE FOR!
The Alfa Mulder — 2 litres Klippies met eish and you’ll drive this one lekker. Unfortunately mostly in white.
The Rolls Erwin — don’t be a smart Alec; get yourself behind the wheel of an Erwin. Although underpowered the car has many luxury features. DO NOT DRIVE AT NIGHT! As soon as we have overcome all the electrical faults you will be advised.
The Fiat Kortbroek — the car will be sold as a national after the party launch. Great for tourists but due to advanced sales it’s a sell-out. Don’t be embarassed; come to the party anyway.
The Ferrari Motlanthe — pulls left automatically but with the Manuel can be steered right in order to achieve economy.
The Toyota Mbeki — unfortunately only available in other countries.
The Volkswagen Nzimandi — made in Russia with its unique three-wheel design. Unfortunately it feels as though one of the back wheels is falling off.
The Mercedes Motata — comes with complimentary Walls ice cream. We think there’s a petrol leak somewhere because every time you have a cup of tea the fumes seem to convert it into whiskey causing drivers to career off the road into walls. Don’t take our word for it; you be the judge! (Unfortunately not available in white)
The BMW Terre’blanche — huge white jobby which creates a helluva noise which has forced suburban dwellers to have it banned from their neighborhoods. Best for rural areas where you are able to keep a horse in case the locals outlaw its use. For some inexplicable reason if you keep this one under lock and key it loses a fortune of weight.
The Chrysler Zuma — we don’t want to make representations about this car, which is undergoing trials, but just in case the model gets the go ahead and for some reason counter revolutionaries try to block its entry into the market place, it will be withdrawn and replaced with the Chrysler Armageddon — geddit?
The Opel Shabangu — 12 cylinders of pure fury guaranteed to take you from 0-100 in two seconds flat! Robots? Shoot the bastards!
The Renault Zille — cheeky, robust little number with an engine that gives new meaning to the term collateral noise. This one will never breakdown but will keep grinding on and on even when the other cars have been parked for the night.
The Vauxhall De Lille — with all new features including NO ARMS REST. Designer believes you must put your hands up. If the experiment fails they’ll be introducing a new item: the “ARMS ARREST”.
The Ford Holomisa — trusty runabout that manufactures under its own steam. Previously from the same group as the Ford Manto until it angered the Toyota Mbeki Group. Now looking to introduce the NO ARMS REST as well.
The Peugot Mandela — warm, comfortable and reliable; the car you will always want to keep no matter what other car you drive.
Any more suggestions?
A prince with dignity and determination
Prince Ngarambe’s goals are to become Rwanda’s first transgender model and to uplift the country’s youth
The EFF’s principles are unshakeable
Unlike the ANC, the core values of the freedom fighters do not change with each leader it elects
