ANC ends period of parliamentary pleasantness

CAPE TOWN, South Africa

The African National Congress (ANC) today announced that the ruling party had ended its period of congeniality in SA’s parliamentary caucus. “We rolled out the red carpet to welcome the EFF and their ugly onesies to Parliament, but after they made the parliamentary caucus raucous, there will be no more Mr Nice Guy,” said Stone Sizani, ANC chief whip. “There will also be no more Mr Nice Mrs Parliamentary Speaker either,” he added.

Sizani said the ANC would introduce far-reaching measures aimed at restoring democracy, imminently. “The EFF and the DA have turned Parliament into a circus. They are making the South African government and the ANC the laughing stock of the world. The riotous opposition assembly that has become Parliament is threatening to destroy the very democratic core of this country, and the ANC will tolerate this no longer,” Sizani said.

Addressing members of the media in Parliament in Cape Town, the ruling party’s chief whip said top members of the ANC had consulted with the world’s most popular presidents about restoring order. “You’d never see this kind of nonsense happening in North Korea or Russia, never mind to our friends in China,” said Sizani.

“I’m going to be doing a lot more than a little whipping in Parliament when the next session begins,” Sizani said. The ANC chief whip offered details of the new parliamentary plan, which the ruling party dubbed MinOppMobPande which is ANC code for Operation Minimise Opposition Mob Pandemonium.

“The president can’t even appear in Parliament anymore. We’ve got to fix this. Now,” Sizani said. He explained that opposition benches would be carefully demarcated and fitted with electric wiring. “Basically we’re looking at a three strike system. The first strike is a mild shock. Opposition Members of Parliament will also be fitted with choke collars, while ANC MPs will be given paint ball guns. Let’s just say we’re waiting for Julius to come back to Parliament.” Sizani chuckled.

Cool-off rooms will be established in the form of sound-proof booths that will be dotted around the parliamentary floor. “Opposition members will be forced to listen to Lucas Mangope’s heyday speeches which will alternate with Steve Hofmeyr’s early hits. If opposition Members of Parliament show that they are still democratic illiterates, Baleka Mbete-Kgositsile will affect the Yengeni.”

Sizani explained that the “Yengeni” was an evacuation of the problematic politician from Parliament via a trapdoor which leads to a caged enclosure of crocodiles. “And by this we don’t mean crocodile shoes. But I tell you now if that Madam Zille and her bothersome bosom brother Malema don’t toe the line, they’ll be crying crocodile tears,” the ANC chief whip chortled.

* With additional reporting by Jon Pienaar.

– Sideswipe, South Africa’s finest news source.