All Blacks’ first-aid choke remedy

Last night on Will Carling’s site Rucku.com, I politely asked a bunch of New Zealand rugby supporters to kindly lend me a hand with my son’s school project. In return I was told in no uncertain terms what I could do with my son and his project.

I mean what is the point of people going on and on about building bridges if this is how these Kiwis are going to carry on?

My problem was that the school had told the kids to do a first-aid assignment on treating the victims of choking, include diagrams nogal, and I couldn’t find anything online that was suitable.

So in all innocence I explained my problem on the messageboards of Rucku and asked the All Blacks supporters if they would be kind enough to dig up their videos and DVDs from the World Cups “because there must be tons of stuff about choking on those”.

What do I get?

Tons of hate and abuse — rubbish about easy draw, no real competition (terrible things about my mom, never knew any of ’em knew her) and of course the old “wait until the Tri-Nations garbage”.

In my own defence I would like to say that the whole thing has been a total misunderstanding and that I was not aware of how sensitive Kiwis are about choking at World Cups. As I say, I would like to say that, but they’d all know that it’s total shite – ever since we started I’ve been giving them uphill about cars that use a choke and any variation of choking I can find in the dictionary.

I mean let’s be honest.

South Africa have played four World Cups and won two. We were barred from playing the rest. Chances are we would have probably won half of those as well. Which means that even the one World Cup the All Blacks managed to scrape, can’t be counted because the chances are we would have won that as well.

If it were up to me I’d rename those World Cups as “Quasi-World Cups” because they are almost the real thing but not quite, because we weren’t there. In a way or manner — modo (look it up in your dictionary) — they were almost a World Cup.

In accordance therewith the All Blacks could be styled the Quasi-modo of World Cup winners although I have a hunch that this won’t go down too well with their supporters.

To them I say just this: Send not to ask for whom the bell tolls, seeing as you are the ones appointed to ring them in the first place.

As for the insults, do I care?

Notre dame.