President Zuma's report card

It seems as if the Democratic Alliance was a little bit hasty in grading President Jacob Zuma and the Cabinet with the former being given an “F” for failure while the latter, with a few notable exceptions, not doing much better.

Of course simply furnishing us with an overall symbol without going into any detail is no good at all.

What we need, as I have done below, is one of those old six-subject-styled efforts which gives parents (here read citizens) a better feel for how their beloved has done this time around.

REPORT OF PRESIDENT JACOB ZUMA ALONG THE LINES OF THOSE DONE BY HIGHLANDS NORTH BOYS HIGH SCHOOL (Circa 1970s)

Subject

English — 24%

Remark

The student has alienated all his English (and American) friends in an effort to retain a dangerous status quo. Can’t seem to understand or spell words like “dictator”. Seems to have problems with speech, not his, of others who might open their mouths or write things about him.

Subject

Afrikaans — 55%

Remark

Has made strides towards the community since his younger brother was expelled for failing woodwork.

Subject

Maths — 12%

Remark

Can’t grasp elementary formulas eg South Africa minus West = a lot poorer OR one dictator in Zimbabwe since independence is not equal to a democracy.

Subject

Social Sciences — 94%

Remark

Brilliant! Head of NPA, minister of intelligence, head of Hawks, head of police, minister of justice and head of the Special Investigating Unit all Zuma men. “Untouchable at last, Untouchable at last, Thank god almighty we are untouchable at last.” This is social science at its finest.

Subject

History — 90%

Remark

Has a fine grasp of history and is doing his utmost to ensure that none of South African history post-apartheid is repeated while the success of Zimbabwe is used as our benchmark.

Subject

Geography — 80%

Remark

Acutely aware of the location and importance of vital cities such as Polokwane and Mangaung.

OVERALL REMARKS

This student has an incredible grasp of most of his subjects. His ability to master them with ease has resulted in all the pupils who are in his class being excluded from becoming prefects or later becoming headboy of the school. Their continued willingness to introduce a code of silence and to allow this student to monopolise all the key posts controlled by the prefects has ensured that only those who pledge allegiance to him will be considered suitable for top posts. Incredibly the students in his class, who were warned by other classes, the school newspaper and students from other schools not to allow this situation to develop as they would pay the highest price, are now squealing about being cut out and left by the wayside. This student is incredibly bright and is underestimated at your peril. He has passed despite the English mark because … well you do the math.