2010: A sneaky preview

Here are some predictions for 2010. The crystal ball was unfortunately more greasy than usual, so take these with a pinch of nerves and keep that tongue close to your cheek.

In January, Darrell Bristow-Bovey formally returns to the literary scene with the publication of a new book called I Am My Own Wife. It concerns the life of an East German transvestite during the World War II. However, it is soon discovered that many passages — in fact, the whole book — is lifted straight from the 2004 Pulitzer prize-winning play by Doug Wright, which had sell-out audiences in South Africa the previous year. The book is hastily withdrawn from the shelves.

In February, the Freedom Front arrive in Worcester in order to take down an election poster of Pieter Mulder outside the front entrance to the Pick n Pay. By now the poster has faded from its 13 lonely months on the lamp-post and outlived its election promises. The runner-up is Jacob Zuma, whose poster was removed by natural causes in October 2009 in the same town. The news sparks a national media frenzy as a hunt for the last remaining 2009 election poster begins, with the promise of tell-tale pictures.

In March, golf estates in the Garden Route start drying up, former greens now brown with drought. A consortium in Dubai steps in and snatches them up. The rumour has it that the properties will be turned from golfing estates into wildlife estates, with castrated camels and imported bisexual kangaroo’s mingling flaccidly with placid home-owners in a place that “has it all”, according to the cheap black-and-white pamphlets.

In April, Whackhead Simpson announces that he is bringing out his debut “vocal” album on BMG Records. At first people think it’s an April fool’s joke, but mid-month sees the release of a croony single called Prank You For The Music. One reviewer dubs him “Farthead Simpson” and terminates the review with the lines:”“With this cringe-worthy single, Whackhead hasn’t done his reputation any favours. How could he do this to his fans? Someone should have told him he can’t sing to save his life. After all, he might have made a complete prat of himself by actually releasing an album. What? He has released an album …?”

In May, Minki van der Westhuizen announces her engagement to Ferdinand Rabie. They become SA’s new super-couple, at least in You magazine, where a fluffy photo spread runs for seven pages. It features them gazing lovingly in each other’s eyes in a rustic environment.

“Ek is so bly, want nou sal ek nooit weer allen wees nie”, says a radiant Minki. Rabie looks suitably touched, perhaps unaware that Minki said these exact words in her previous engagement to Constant Visser.

In June, World Cup fever hits South Africa. At the opening match’s after-party, Julius Malema drops his pants and sticks his buttocks in the air in front of bemused world dignitaries.

In July, France beat the USA in the World Cup final after Thierry Henri scores the winning goal, a beach volley-ball type shot. The ref is unfortunately distracted at the time by his shoelaces and misses that the goal was not scored by the player’s feet, but rather by both his hands. He awards the goal and France wins 1-0. Henri gloats as he lifts the trophy, his smelly legacy in the pantheon of cheats at last secure.

In August, Tiger Woods comes out of hiding following a period of self-denial. He sports a frizzy beard in pictures taken outside a grocery shop. “Out of the woods” announces one headline.

Meanwhile, rumours of an infamous sex-tape featuring the star and a cocktail waitress remain afloat.

In September, the ball remains quiet for some or other reason. So on to October, where a new internet star is born. It is four-year-old Bernie Boshof from Benoni, who accidentally hacks into the Nasa site while looking for pictures of aliens. A fan group for Bernie is set up on Facebook and attracts 9 871 members on its first day.

In November, the team that brought us Hansie the Movie announces their new project: the life and tragic downfall of Joost van der Westhuizen. The working title is Just Joost. Colin Farrell is said to be interested in the role.

In December, during a five-day cricket international, South African captain Graeme Smith finally spits out the gum he has been chewing for the last seven years.