Mugabe: Who's fuelling who?

The funniest thing I have read in a long time is the article about the “diesel conjurer” who was convicted of fraud for fooling Bob Mugabe’s government into thinking she could tap diesel from a rock.

What makes it so funny is the fact that a con of such simplicity could not be picked up by “a cabinet task force dispatched by Mugabe” to verify whether there was any merit in her claim. In other words all of Bob’s finest and the best of Bob’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again.

More likely they couldn’t figure out what the hell this lady was up to so rather than appear foolish they gave it the Hechsher (Beth Din stamp of approval).

Of course that begs the question of how they calculated the petrol and diesel prices for Zimbabwe on a month-to-month basis.

As most of you are aware this is an extremely difficult exercise for mere mortals as this example from Malaysia demonstrates.

You need degrees in mathematics, engineering and neurosurgery at the very least, and that’s just to understand the instructions on the manual. Wait until you have to do the actual calculations on your abacus because Bob hasn’t paid the electricity bill.

And of course the geniuses who were dispatched to check the rock were, after all, Bob’s finest men in the field of diesel.

Wenners to a man.

Invariably the task of plotting the fuel price would fall to them.

Don’t let me catch any of you lot sniggering, Zanu-PF are people too.

Anyhow, besides the usual problems encountered in doing the calculations two additional unknowns need to be factored in. Firstly the Zim dollar at the time was only stable when they kept the boxes of currency at a stud farm. Other than that it was adding so many zeros every hour the Zimmies must have thought it was Pearl Harbour revisited.

Worse — what percentage of the fuel you have to purchase do you attribute to the rock and leave off the slip?

Let’s say the rock is having a good month do you order less? Should you be a little boulder? What if it druks you a fat toffee and produces a fraction of the amount you paid the conjurer to produce?

Do you send her a bullet through the post?

What if she shoots you with it?

Of course another problem is that once you have ordered the fuel someone has to pay for it. Do you approach the governor of the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe and ask him to settle the account?

Gono further because he doesn’t have the money on account of most of it being kept offshore.

Have the good Grace to accept that.

Nope the only solution is to bring in the MDC and let them work out how to calculate the amount and organise payment.

Bob’s your uncle — or at least your partner in government — you can dispense with the rock.

Mind you I’m sure that conjurer will be breaking it in a prison near you real soon.

Cartoon: Mugabe falls for diesel from rock scam