Dirk Prinsloo, the boy from Belarus

Chances are that by the time you read this I will be arguing, what is hopefully, my final matter as a criminal attorney in the Regional Court of Witbank. It is a culpable homicide involving the death of a young man which was occasioned by a car crash that took place about three years ago. Hopefully you lot will be having a far more enjoyable day than I will.

The last few days have involved much preparation and no little perspiration as the court date nears. Even after 12 years as a specialised criminal attorney and endless trials I still get that same old buzz of anticipation. While I have no doubt that I will miss the day-to-day war of attrition that is a criminal trial I have no regrets in choosing to follow my first love which is writing and in this regard Thought Leader and the Richmark Sentinel are full-time and far more enjoyable.

Of course there are always members of the legal profession who choose other, more exotic, ways of calling time on their days as a lawyer. In the case of Dirk Prinsloo, an advocate, he went more than the extra mile to ensure that the bar was under no misapprehension that he was not going to be appearing any time soon, and then as an accused rather than counsel.

As many of you will know Prinsloo was before the South African courts on charges of child pornography and rape when he suddenly did a disappearing act leaving another advocate, Cezanne Visser (Advocate Barbie), to carry on as the sole accused. The verdict on that one is still pending and I’ll leave it there.

Prinsloo, unknown to all but a very select few, had in the meanwhile taken up residence in Belarus — a former Soviet state — where he attempted to impregnate the entire population in approximately 3 years. All this while ensuring that he managed regular gym workouts and the odd email to thumb his nose at South African journalists whom he assured would never track him down.

Indeed he informed them proudly that the only way he would get caught is if he wanted to, through an act of great misfortune or by an act of God, none of which he would have been anticipating at the time he made the claim.

Unfortunately for the boy van Belarus he must have been short a few pounds because he thereupon decided to hold up a bank in the same street as he was staying. This has to be down to the fact that he must have been short of bus fare because who — dear mother of all things holy — does a robbery in their own street?

Armed with a toy gun, a balaclava and gas spray he stormed the bank and in a performance that would embarrass some of the geniuses I have represented managed to make a total nuisance of himself. With the sirens ringing in his ears he bolted from the bank and was spotted by a 10-year-old boy who recognised him and advised the police accordingly.

Two days later he was arrested at an internet cafe in Minsk.

Considering the fact that Advocate Barbie had once called him God and our wenner had clearly stated that he would only be caught by an act of God — albeit a hysterical one in every sense of the word — justice has been served.

And you were worried about our judiciary and a constitutional crisis.