Joost for fun

It’s funny how people see things so differently. To me my girlfriend is the most gorgeous, kindest and warmest human being ever to have walked the face of the planet yet to my wife she’s .. Mind you, if they ever ask the government (Mrs Traps) she’ll tell them I’m the worst lay she’s ever had.

Yeah right, like anyone can tell all that in six seconds!

Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

I’ve been watching all the press given to Steve Hofmeyer, Joost and President Motlanthe among others and wondering what it is that fascinates you lot about the details of other people’s bonking around — or not? Does the outcome of whether it was Joost or not, or the president managed to get his leg over really take anyone’s life to the next level?

Of course not.

Yet somehow it manages to fuel a multibillion-dollar media industry worldwide, year in and year out. Locally and overseas, the bigger the name the more we are dying to hear about the extramarital affairs and weird antics that the stars are getting up to.

Just stop for a minute and think about the act of sex itself. It’s one animal mounting another animal — what’s so great about that? I had to know so I’ve actually done a study on this. I went out and hired a stack of porn DVDs and watched them over and over and over again. Hour after hour I suffered through those things while the government — who has no feel for academia, I can tell you — was bitching about me hogging the television with filth and laying seige to the bathroom (as you do with this kind of project).

You don’t go blind, but perhaps will develop a slight squint.

Anyhow, I can tell you that when you get too much of this shite it actually puts you off sex for life. You see things in film stars that make them far less appealing than had you simply watched them in the course of an ordinary film. Take that Pamela Anderson with Tommy Lee clip on the internet as your example. After you’ve watched that, come back and tell me that that mole next to her belly button doesn’t put you right off?

Those of you who say no, obviously haven’t used the magnifying glass properly, so give it a second go.

In other words it’s not the actual sight of sex that excites you it’s the thought that these stars are hammering away at it when they are supposed to be such clean and upstanding citizens. (Please close the Pamela browser now. The last time I included you lot in an experiment I spent hours fielding calls from your wives. When I said get in touch with your feminine side I did not mean phone your frigging girlfriends. If I hear from your bosses that Traps told you you have to watch porn …)

I mean the government sat through hours of the stuff and … nothing! The only time she opened her mouth was to tell me to turn the screaming down she was trying to sleep and if I could be kind enough not to flush after each and every trip to the toilet. Sort of save it up and flush every third trip. She’s totally unsympathetic, even when I landed up with tennis elbow. The government was not even when I explained the benefits of learning German.

“Schnell, schnell pantafelkopf … du liebe hiemel or something like that”, it’s top stuff!

I think what put her off was when she asked me to rate Pamela out of 10 and I said “one”.

“One?!”

“I’d like to give her one.”

Anyhow! What I’d like to say is that I have read a lot of nasty comments from people at the bottom of a lot of these articles. How Steve, Joost or the president are abominations and wishing them all kinds of terrible things.

As a genius who specialised 12 years ago as a criminal attorney, trust me when I say shit happens to everyone. Please God, it doesn’t happen to you or your family and if it does I hope that people are a lot kinder to you and yours, than many of you have been to these guys.