SAA: Cocaine or zol sir?

Forget Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, if an SAA flight had taken off from La Guardia and ploughed straight into a gaggle of geese, then the last thing our mob would have needed to do was ditch the plane in the Hudson. No, your average SAA crew seems to carry enough goed on board any given flight to keep that plane higher than a kite regardless of circumstances taking place outside.

In fact in their new advert, instead of the old “chicken or beef?” they’ve got them offering “crack or regular?” With a new theme tune of Afroman’s Because I got high.

Take-offs go something like this: “Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard South African Airways flight 756 from Heathrow to Johannesburg. We will be travelling left and parallel to the central runway before making a sharp right, which will bring us onto the runway for take-off. If you hear sirens don’t be alarmed, I’ll just gun this bitch from wherever we are and try clear the airport fence … sort of make it up as we go along from there … We will be cruising at an altitude of 35 000 feet or 250 feet depending upon the circumstances surrounding our departure. Thank you for choosing SAA … cabin crew; lock and load!”

My magtig! Seems like SAA can now genuinely lay claim to the title of national carrier. In the last month alone the crews of our beloved airline have been bust twice with heavy-duty undesirable substances on board and both times at Heathrow. Firstly with 50kg of dagga and now with 5kg of cocaine.

If this carries on much longer an ordinary SAA flight will entail:

Booking flight
Brief counsel
Application for bail in respect of pilot and crew
Flight
Arrest

Of course in order to put a stop to all of this SAA are going to have to start using sniffer dogs on board the flights as opposed to before and after. Highly trained Doberman with handler — only problem being he can’t get into the front where the pilot and co-pilot are sitting … which is where all the drucks are. Which drives the dog insane.

There you are, in the front row just after take-off at Heathrow watching “Doctor” (named after Carl Niehaus — trainer is a big ANC fan) the Doberman, who knows cocaine when he smells it, going apeshit trying to scratch a hole in the door to the pilot’s cabin and barking insanely for the next 11 hours to Johannesburg.

Talk about shock and awe …

I don’t know about you lot but I find something hysterical — in every sense of the word — about South Africa every single day. I’m thinking of having a holiday in Helmand province just to get away from it all.