British boy (13) fathers child: His mother should be spayed

I spoke to our vet and he seems quite happy to have Nicola Patten, mother of 13-year-old Alfie who has just fathered a child, spayed and if that doesn’t work, put down. His diagnosis was that this wenner “probably has mad cow disease or, at a push, a severe case of swine fever”.

The mother-of-the-year candidate, upon hearing that a queue of teens was forming a double line outside the Sun newspaper’s office — claiming they are the father of Chantelle Steadman’s daughter — was of the view that Alfie’s “absolutely devastated these lads have come forward to say they slept with her at the time she got pregnant. Everything is wrong”.

No shit Sherlock!

When did she notice? Was it after the publicist Max Clifford told her that the golden goose, ie her 13-year-old son, may not have laid the golden egg after all? Perhaps a DNA test might be in order.

If my 13-year-old son — and I have such an item in stock — came home and told me that he had made a girl pregnant, I wouldn’t be phoning Max Clifford, I’d be calling the police to lock me up for 6 months before I kill someone. Then when I eventually got home I would dig a cellar like that genius Fritzl (Austrian that imprisoned his daughter and then had umpteen kids with her) and tell my genius that he and mom-to-be would be raising children down there for the next 10 years.

Of course I would be feeding them matzoh three times a day on account of that being the only thing flat enough to slip under the door, which would remain locked for at least a decade.

Not Nicola Patten, her only concerns are: “Alfie is distraught and upset about everything. But Maisie (the child) is fine. Now that is in his mind and I’m not happy. I don’t know where they get this from. I mean, that’s my son, that’s his baby.”

Is she shitting me?

I’d be standing there at the front of that queue of geniuses who claim they mounted the village bike and going: “Look at Richard, the guy is a dead ringer for Maisie. I’d have picked you out of a thousand candidates. No doubt about it Rich, she’s got your nose and if you don’t carry on claiming paternity I have a group of criminal clients who owe me big favours and who’d be happy to give Maisie your nose as a birthday present.”

Can you Adam and Eve this?

Apparently a fight has now broken out between the Pattens and the Steadmans (wenners to a man) about who does the interviews with television, radio and newspapers. Me? I’d be telling the Steadmans that if they even mention the kid or my family they’d be waking up to severed horses heads in their beds every morning. (That vets a marvel. No matter what I ask him it’s never too much trouble).

Mind you the government (Mrs Traps) would take it quite calmly. She’d turn on the oven, open the door, climb in and close the door behind her.

Has society really fallen this far that our most precious gifts, our children, are turned into media circus clowns in order to bring in a quick buck? Is it any wonder that we keep hearing about child slavery, sex trafficking and prostitution if this is the way parents behave? This is not being progressive, this is insanity.

What do you think will become of Alfie and Chantelle? Do you think these children have any chance whatsoever of growing into sane, well-adjusted adults who are capable of functioning normally within society?

Most likely they will land up feeling abandoned and rejected as another, even bigger moron, tries to set the new how-low-can-we-go record in Britain. The media in 2010 switching the spotlight to Mike Dementedanus from Plymouth who fathered octuplets at 9 before undergoing a sex change and joining a convent. Pictures at 11.

I’m not in favour of a nanny state but when things keep deteriorating the way they have been for decades now then all I can say is that the sooner there is stricter regulation, less sex education, firmly closed minds and corporal punishment, the better.

Cut off their goolies.

Cartoon: UK teenage pregnancy race