It is all The Media's fault

It is The Media’s fault for tarnishing South Africa’s image. If it was not for them the world’s wealthiest people would be investing all their trillions here. Even the local investors would invest in their own country. If it were not for the bloody media we would not know about any of this:

What Safa does (the latter, thankfully, have reported on the media’s reporting)
President Zuma amazing foot in mouth tendencies
The Nkandla Vast Estate & Emporium
Key National Talking Points
The fact that you can now exchange one ANC for one GUPTA. The JSE are not charmed and the price of Fools Gold is also consequently in its moer)
The State of Toilets / Lack Thereof
Oil Siphoning
The Alms Deal and it’s Onsets
All The President’s Weddings
Whatever Jackson Mthembu says
Whatever Julius Malema says
Whatever Helen Zille says
Whatever the Gupta’s do
The Marikana Massacre
The Murder of Andries Tatane
The killing of child soldiers anywhere
The sending of troops to support rebels or presidents who used to be rebels who are rebels again (sorry, I appreciate this is confusing)
The Amazing Air in Witbank
The Acid Water under Johannesburg
I could go on but this is getting sick, hey

Bearing the above in mind, The Media are hereby called upon to explain themselves and must report to Room 101 at Joburg Central Police Station. This is where Yours Truly once had to report too. To access the room, ask the sleeping security guard at the entrance and he will wave his arms vaguely in all directions. It will then take you about 30 minutes to find a door labelled 101. Knock a few times. You will be greeted by a normal silence. Enter. If you are in the right place you will find a large overflowing dustbin and an old elevator going nowhere. Please wait there until you are called.