Big Brother: Lerato, honey, you're a big kugel

If anyone should know what a kugel looks and sounds like, it’s me. I grew up in a house full of them and have been married to one for 22 years (wonderful years, of course, honey).

Which explains why I picked out Lerato from 20 yards with my eyes closed.

The Traps household has Big Brother running 24/7, so I have no chance of avoiding it. It kind of drones on in the background while I’m reading or writing.

Somehow, through the whining and droning I heard a noise that no Jewish husband can mistake for anything else: it’s your high-maintenance, low-mileage yenta. A creature so deadly that even its father cries (with relief) when he gives it away. I’d go on but those reading this probably have enough verdrus as it is.

I thought that the government (Mrs Traps) had invited friends without telling me. Turns out it’s the voice of South Africa’s own black kugel, Lerato. I looked her up on the BB website where’s she’s described as follows :

GENDER: Female
AGE: 23
LOCATION: Gauteng, South Africa
HOMETOWN: Soweto
OCCUPATION: Events coordinator
DESCRIPTION: Single, out going, fun, curvy Nubian princess, well read and experienced shopper.

It’s almost scary : “Single — princess — shopper”.

I challenge any Jewish husband to listen to BB with his eyes shut for an hour. It will bring tears to your eyes (no, really, it will bring tears to your eyes).

Then look at Max, her boyfriend in the house — he’s got the same symptoms as the rest of us ; that traumatised, faraway look that says, ‘I’m a shmuck and I can’t figure out why.’ Don’t worry, Max, one day her husband will wear the same look.

Lerato, my angel, you are a very special lady and South Africans had better do you proud. Without you, this house lacks character and if you are evicted it will be far poorer for it.

Speaking of evictions: he wanted out, we wanted him out and even the crowd at the eviction party wanted Justice to leave the house. So it was hardly surprising when the news came. His petty bickering with Meryl has got to be the most pathetic display ever witnessed in a BB house.

His confirmation that her comment, along the lines of “if you hadn’t said please I’d shove it up your arse”, was the worst thing that had ever happened to him, was testimony to the great lifestyle they have in Botswana. Either that or Justice treats his own house as a BB house and never goes out. His absence will hardly be felt.

The BB house has its funny moments and none finer than Code trying to chat up Bertha from Zimbabwe. On Friday evening, he had been turned down by house hottie Maureen (albeit that he did get a kiss) and he spent the bulk of Saturday trying to show Bertha how, hard as it may be, he was forced to reject the advances of the Ugandan beauty.

Yeah right!

Then he went on about how important it is to connect with people if you are to foster a proper relationship. I was on the floor …

In get-laid-man’s terms: “I could have Maureen, but I want you, Bertha.”

In plain English: “I’ll take what I can get, but please, by all things holy, let me get something quick.”

This guy works on the principle of sincerity; that is, if you can fake that, you must be in with a shout.

My favourite, besides Lerato, is Max. The big guy is always happy and he has the top accent in the house. I can listen to him for hours.

With all the nonsense said and written by people about the mentality of the occupants of any Big Brother house, I have been pleasantly surprised by these children of Africa. It does provide entertainment and you do, incredibly, learn a lot about the people of our great continent.

Go figure!