City Power speaking in tongues

With the Easter and Passover holy days a thing of the past I was wondering, get the editor a Valium, whether we, as South Africans, aren’t missing out on a trick — religious tourism. Don’t snigger, if anyone knows about history and religion it’s me, everything my wife serves has a best before the Big Bang stamped on the side of the container.

Think about it, in the past few months Muslims from around the world have been on hajj to Mecca — in their millions — while Catholics, in no lesser numbers, have been welcoming the arrival of Pope Francis as head of their church.

If you throw in the hundreds of millions who visit other religious sites in places like India, Israel and elsewhere, every year, then this should become our top priority.

How do we achieve this without any obvious religious or spiritual drawcards?

Anyone?

Of course, we rely on those who speak in tongues to amaze foreigners who will then return home and spread the word.

How else do you think these things get started?

By way of example I will now demonstrate how we can build a religion out of CITY POWER.

SEVENTH DAY EXPLODING SUBSTATION INTERVENTIONISTS (seventh day because that’s the average time it takes to get your electricity back on)

Have you received your latest account from City Power?

Does the outstanding amount read R2 768 908 for your one-bedroom flat in Berea?

This only because you didn’t have power for 22 days on account of load shedding, substation explosions and refusals to reconnect your electricity if you did not somehow come up with last month’s R16 753, or it could have been a lot more.

That’ll teach you to buy the Pick n Pay deluxe reading lamp and bottle-cap opener.

Fret not because your dilemma, if correctly used, could be the forerunner to a very senior position with the new religious order.

First find out how many tourists, illegal immigrants and prison escapees are staying in your building.

None?

This is Berea child go back and check again; this time identifying yourself as a fugitive from justice.

Right, now accompanied by your hundred or so onlookers, head for the nearest offices of City Power/municipality and make sure that everyone is paying attention because if anyone speaks in tongues it’s this lot.

Second step is to get to the front of the queue — long story; see series on Municipality Queues Britannica — and then slam the account on the counter and demand satisfaction.

Example: “Are you people insane? I’ve got a one-bedroom flat in Berea how can I possibly owe you R2 million?”

Third step is when the helpful clerk behind the counter moves quickly to defuse tension: “That’s the problem with you South Africans, you’re quick to criticise everything, leave the running of electricity to us … ”

Isn’t cadre deployment wonderful?

Step four: Breathe and count one … two … three … four … breathe and count … “I want to see someone in your technical department … ”

Step five: Problem solving: “No sir it doesn’t work like that. First you settle your account and then you submit your query by email. In the, almost, impossible eventuality that we have made a mistake we will credit your account with the difference.”

… and breathe and count … “Are you seriously suggesting that I must find R2 million to get my lights switched on?”

Translation for foreigners: There were cavemen in the Bronze Age who generated more electricity breaking rocks with their primitive hammers than this citizen will be receiving for the rest of his life.

Step six: Introducing relatives: “I’m not sure whether you’re aware of this but my uncle is the auditor for the Gauteng premier and if you don’t get me someone from technical within the next 10 minutes you’ll be looking for a new job!”

Step seven: The techman cometh: “Sir I’ve looked at your account and it seems to be in order. The reason why you can’t calculate the amount is because you don’t have the formula. Let me give it to you and if you still have a problem come back to me.”

… and breathe and count …

“Write this down sir. It is the amount of people living in Berea times by two, for undesirables … well they may be very charming but they still count, divided by the amount of people in the area actually paying their electricity bill, which for Berea (searching through spreadsheet) is … let me see … oh, it’s you; have you got a number in your head … don’t tell me … which is then divided into the aggregate amount charged for electricity in Berea to which you add the levy towards Eskom’s trillion rand budget, your contribution towards Nk*ndla’s electricity account and finally add the premium payable for the City Power executive car pool. If that number is not R2 768 908 please feel free to come back and see me with your query … ”

ONE YEAR FROM NOW

Radio broadcast: This evening’s service comes to you from the church of the Seventh Day Exploding Substation Interventionists in Berea. It is conducted by the Right Charlie David Brown. We apologise for the external noise coming from the generator.

“Ohm … ohm … ohm … ”

“Watt?”

“Ohm … ”

The place will be a shrine.