2010 World Cup FAQ for tourists

In order to assist those interested in coming to South Africa in 2010, herewith a comprehensive FAQ (frequently asked questions).

FAQ
South Africa: Where’s that?
How well do you know Egypt? We would suggest a flight to Cairo, stop over and then a scenic African drive south.

Your best bet would be to hire your car from Avis and arm yourself … purely as a precaution.

This is what we call the “Garden Route” on account of the fact that, from the time you leave Cairo until the time you almost reach Zimbabwe, chances are that you and your family will have been buried in someone’s garden in Uganda, Congo, Rwanda …

Do South Africans speak English?
Ja-nee!

Which cities will host the games?
Pretoria, which may be called Tshwane, currently in Gauteng unless it’s annexed by Mpumalanga, and easily accessed by road from Cairo.

If you decide to fly, then you will land at OR Tambo International Airport, unless it becomes Jacob Zuma International Airport, which is also currently in Gauteng.

We have limited this answer on account of the real danger that all the cities, provinces and stadiums will have been relocated or renamed by the time you get here.

Your best bet would be to simply call 1023 from your hotel room and ask for the absolute-final-latest, never-to-be-changed details, the day before your game kicks off. 1023 will then give you the latest telephone number for the organisers.

How many tickets will be available?
There are three million tickets allocated as follows :

2 900 000 — Fifa committee members, their families and friends
98 000 — Organisers, their families and friends.
1 998 — Corporate sponsors
1 — 94.7 Highveld Stereo lucky listener
1 — Goes on sale at Computicket (tba)

Should I come if I can’t get tickets?
Definitely, just spend a bit more time in Cairo before driving down.

In which time zone is South Africa?
Depends what you’ve been smoking.

What is the weather like?
Like it depends on what you’ve been smoking.

How do i get to games?
There is a very sophisticated road network that gridlocks about 3km from any starting point. You then abandon your vehicle and walk the remaining 20km or 30km to the venue.

Do not listen to the garbage about there being lions in the streets. They aren’t stupid; they are usually about 200m away from gridlock points shading under trees and digesting tourists.

The trains are far better. Why not try taking a train from Soweto to Soccer City? For those without tickets you can “surf” on top of the train (see section on “decapitation” below).

South Africa also has the latest planes, so don’t hesitate to fly. Please do not be alarmed if the pilots leave the intercom on by mistake and you overhear the following in the fifth hour of your two-hour flight: “O R Tambo … is that what used to be called Johannesburg International … or Jan Smuts …?”

Is it safe to walk around?
Of course it’s safe! Ask any survivor and they’ll tell you that crime is down. It may however be more appropriate at times to quicken your pace to … let’s say, a sprint.

Where do i stay?
Ask me, I’m Moses.

Will I be able to phone home?
If you are English (see our section on “Immediate arrest at airport”.) it would be best to get a friend to make the call. Police stations only allow one local call.

Can I drink the water?
Of course you can. What’s the worst that can happen? (See also our section on hospitals and the treatment of fatal illnesses using beetroots and potatoes.)

What’s the food like?
The food is fabulous. There is something for everyone, or in the case of our northern man-eating neighbours, someone for everyone. There is, however, an anticipated shortage of beetroots and potatoes.

What currency does South Africa use?
What currency do you have?

Can I watch the games on my cellphone?
Sure, if you’re sitting in the stadium.

Does South Africa have modern banks?
Very much so. If you are rolling in money, please don’t hesitate to ask for credit.

If you go one cent over your credit limit, see our sections on “repossession, liquidation enquiries and imprisonment”.

You are advised to use ATMs in the following way:
1. Insert card — sprint 200m away.
2. No explosion? Return and insert your details — sprint 200m away.
3. If no explosion, return to collect money and card, be robbed and sprint 200m towards the trees … NB: most lions will already be digesting tourists, so chances are …

What is a vuvuzela?
The north Bornean hunting vuvuzela, previously native to North America, may also be found in certain parts of South Africa. They feed mainly on plants but during droughts have been known to become flesh eating. Generally docile, they may become homicidal if they are disturbed while breeding. Chances are 50/50 that you’ll encounter one, so it’s hardly worth bothering about.

We trust that you will enjoy your stay with us.