Viagra to harden the Springboks?

I very seldom laugh like a dog while I’m driving, but a headline in the Citizen about Viagra enhancing sports performances nearly caused a crash. Can you imagine the Test in Wellington on Saturday if the Bokke were on “the pill”?

Just for starters, the haka would have been of grave concern to the All Blacks. Picture Tony Woodcock speaking to Greg Sommerville: “Greg, Oi don’ moind playin’ but Oi’m telling yer Burger winked at me.”

“That’s nothing, Tony, did yer see the way they were holding each other even after the haka? Oi’m that scared of the first scrum!”

Even referee Stuart Dickinson would have been sweating.

Once the game gets going, it’s bedlam. First Springbok huddle — “Listen up! It’s pointless, in our condition, to try to run the ball. What we need are some scrums or a chance to tackle them. Don’t let me catch any of you hogging the ball. Just knock it on or kick it straight to them, then it’s every man for himself.”

“Super!” (High fives)

Then the first scrum :

“Crouch!”
“Touch!”
“Pause!”
“Engage!”

“Break it up! Number three green, you cannot fondle your opposing number … let him go! If you wink at me again it’s a yellow! Number eight green, let go of number five green … number 14 green, why are you in the scrum?”

“Captains!”

“John, I don’t know what’s wrong with your guys, but I’m not putting up with it. Tell your physio if the scrum can’t break up normally I won’t be allowing him on with that crowbar again!”

Then the line-outs:

An exasperated ref: “Victor and Bakkies, if I catch you pulling down in the line-outs again, it’s a red. Juan, what’s your game son? Leave him alone. Hoi, Rodney, I don’t care! Tell your guys that there has to be at least one player in the line-out!”

Leading 63-0 at half-time, Graham Henry’s team talk: “What do you mean fucking forfeit! Oi’m not forfeiting a game where we’re 63 points ahead! They’d have me certified! Rodney, act like a man … on second thoughts, act like another man.”

“Boss they’re letting us score tries! Every time we score they’re hugging us and grabbing our … I can’t”

“Get a grip! You’re the bloody captain!”

“That’s easy for you to say. You won’t have to live with the screams of players caught in the bottom of rucks and mauls …”

“But you’re All Blacks, that’s part of the job!”

“Not while waiting for a bloody conversion it isn’t!”

“This is mutiny! What am I supposed to I tell the press?”

“Tell ’em whatever you bloody want, mate, just make sure we’ve had time to get to our cars before you say anything!”