Were the All Blacks poisoned in 1995?

With the might of Peter de Villiers’ green and gold Springbok army about to embark on a Tri-Nations campaign against the old enemy, I though I might revisit this crock of…theory. To be fair to them, I believe that if my missus was among the chefs cooking for those Kiwis, there’s every chance that they may have been poisoned.

Last night we had people over so she treated them to her “Duck Surprise”. You should have seen how surprised that duck was when she shot it in the kitchen. That shotgun blast alone caused emigration figures in our area to double — they were queuing up outside the Aussie embassy.

When she puts her duck in the oven, the police cordon off the area because as soon as the pot starts heating up, some of those pellets start exploding.

With the duck we served a very decent decilitre of Chateux Meths Derivative 2006 which was a very good year apparently. Interesting that it was a good year because the duck tasted like the tyres off my old Volvo. (Kaplan I’m not paying for any dental work. If you’re too stupid to move the pellets to the side of your plate like everyone else, why should I be liable). Besides Mrs Lazarus was kind enough to phone and thank us for the new pillow they were able to fashion out of the feathers the family vomited up when they got home.

And do you think anyone bothered to phone and thank us for the antidote?

Ungrateful sods!

Sucks to the All Blacks and their sour grapes posing as a poisoning conspiracy.

On to matters more serious.

I wish politicians and administrators would just leave the game alone. I don’t give a flying toss what the history of Peter de Villiers appointment is. He is our coach and he will now enjoy our support. If he duffs it in rugby terms he will be lambasted for his rugby decisions. If he brings home the bacon we will smother him with praise. The rest is garbage. They must take their politics and put it where the sun doesn’t shine.

In terms of the tour there are two areas of concern for me.

The front row: John Smit is a superstar but will the props be up to scratch at this level? There’s only one way to find out.

On defence, are our centres going to be up to the attacks coming at them from the All Blacks and Wallabies?

This is the real test. In the All Blacks and the Wallabies you have the current world numbers two and three. They will not be giving ground to us, we have to take it. Both of their coaches are under pressure. Graham Henry in particular will be in serious trouble if he fails to deliver.

Regardless of what happens, may I just express the sincere wish that the best Springbok team wins.