Sick and tired of footballer’s “Wags”

Aren’t you sick and tired of wading through the Sun newspaper and reading all that garbage about this player’s girlfriend and that one’s wife? FFS, and then having to sift through those ridiculous slideshows of these women?!

Last night, for example, I was going through the article on Abbey Clancy who is Peter Crouch’s girlfriend.

Then midway through they ask you to have a look at her set of slides. (don’t touch it) Could you think of anything more boring? I hardly gave them a second glance. And when I did I had to put up with her in that tiny bikini flaunting that awful mole.

Which mole?

Go to the fifth photograph out of the six, just below her left knee.

No?

Okay, I should have warned you to use a magnifying glass …purely to check the quality of the photography. Train it on her knee but try keep your mouth away from the glass or you’ll keep fogging it up like I did. I mean what is the point of making something to enhance your picture if a bit of heavy breathing is going to render the fucking thing inoperable?

Anyhow where was I?

Did you see that logo on the side of her bikini? The little horse?

No?

Of course the magnifying glass is no good for this bit you need to get your nipper’s microscope and bend the bottom bit out of the way. Then place it over the bikini bottom and what do you see?

No horse?

Bet your voice is a bit hoarse…but I digress.

Seems to me that the Sun and all these other rags are just taking advantage of the disgusting tendencies that some men have towards women. It’s time for someone, qualified in assessing this sort of thing to investigate this practice.

Trust me when I say I’m the most qualified. When I asked my mates to rate Abbey they were all drooling on about 9, 9.5 and 10. Me, I said 1. They were all going on at me about being a blind moron who doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.

I’m not going to be badgered. I told ’em straight : “I’d like to give her one”.

And I’m sticking with that.

Next week we’ll analyse the last 200 copies of Penthouse.

(Note to ed : Please drop them off in the usual place in the brown paper bag and dock the pay of the comedian who put the tweezers in last time)