Justin Gimelstob opens his mouth to change feet

Who?

Justin Gimelstob, winner of two tennis Grand Slam mixed doubles titles and now on the board of the ATP, during a radio program broadcast to Washington residents decided to have a full go at Anna Kournikova. He called the Russian tennis player “a bitch” and described how he would like to hurt her during an upcoming exhibition match.

Before any of you lot start sniggering, I will never forget the day when Kournikova mania was at its height and I was watching her play a game at Wimbledon. It was off centre court but on one of the other main courts. The place was packed … with male spectators and if you didn’t know it was a tennis match, then the television cameras panning the crowd would have thrown you.

Normally in tennis the eyes of the spectators follow the ball. So if you just watch them you’ll know the sport because their heads keep going from side to side. Not this lot. They were glued to whichever side Kournikova was on.

Just imagine interviewing the fans after that game:

“Sir, if I may just ask you – do you believe that Ms Bloggs (I can’t remember her opponent either), was wrong to stay on the baseline, if she’d come to the net more often she may well have beaten Kournikova?”

“Kournikova…”

“Yes, did Bloggs have the beating of Kournikova?”

“Kournikova…”

(You need John Cleese doing his best Basil Fawlty as the interviewer)

“Yes, Kournikova …could Bloggs…please try to understand me before one of us dies!!! I mean what is the bloody point of interviewing monkeys in clothing…strategically shaved so they can pass themselves off as humans and go and watch tennis matches? I’ve seen more signs of intelligence from an East Bornean Hunting Owl after it’s had a lobotomy and lost the will to live than you!! I’d rather interview the radiator on my car than try squeeze an ounce of intelligence from morons like you…”

“Kournikova”

Anyhow … back to Justin but Gimelstob! Sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger — who will ever forget the joke during his last election campaign when his supporters were — in terms of the joke — chanting “4 more vowels…4 more vowels!!”

Gimelstob apparently said : “I’m going to serve it right at the body, about 128 [mph], right into her midriff,”. If she’s not crying by the time she comes off court then I did not do my job.”

What a plonker!

This genius should be commentating for Radio Harare.

Asked if that meant he hated the Russian, with whom he trained as a youth player, he replied: “Hate is a very strong word. I just despise her to the maximum level just below hate.” He added that he would not like to sleep with Kournikova, “because she’s such a douche”. Instead, “I wouldn’t mind if my brother, who is kind of a stud, nailed her and then reaped the benefits.”

Wait, he’d be wasted. Perhaps the Zimbabwean ambassador to the United Nations. In that role he gets to say what he really means.

“President Mugabe does not recognise the rest of the planet and if you’ll now excuse me I’m off to beat Kourninkova with a crowbar. The miserable bitch!”

Think, instead of wasting away as a tennis nobody he could be remembered for his time as one of Zimbabwe’s greatest politicians with words that will echo until the end of time:

“Hey you! Did you vote? Where’s your indelible ink? Show me!”

Justin Gimelstob circa 2008