Redefining the new South Africa

Every day we encounter words or phrases that take on a whole new meaning when placed in a South African context. Knowing what they mean, where, when and how to use them may well enhance your enjoyment of our beautiful country and perhaps even save your life.

Accordingly, herewith more definitions for everyday South African use:

Pikoli shall mean the act of dismissing senior staff members only to later establish that they were actually right in the first place; for example: “I’m in a right pikoli here …”

A ’cause Selebi shall mean the basis for being charged; for example: “I’m being charged with murder ’cause Selebi mentioned my name in one of his affidavits.” For those who speak Italian, see our section on ’cause Agliotti.

A nel shall mean a dangerous stinging insect that occasions a ’cause Selebi. Occasionally it may get stung, but this only renders its attacker vulnerable and in a pikoli. (Don’t confuse with “anal”, which describes many of its victims)

God Zille shall mean the outburst made by a sitting president to a leader of the opposition after being invited to a meeting on the latest South African moral and constitutional crisis; for example: “My God Zille, I don’t have time for this; I’m more concerned about all those allegations of spying scandals down in the Cape.”

Terror lekota shall mean the terrible realisation that you’ve been bust by the metro cops; for example: “I felt real terror when I was lekotad by the metros doing 189km/h …”

Acting judge shall mean the conduct of any judge unfortunate enough to be drawn for the Selebi or Zuma trials. Acting shall include playing any role that demonstrates the insanity of the judge concerned, rendering him unable to sit on the bench for the period of the trial. South Africa may well be the only country in the world where a psychiatric report is required for the judge rather than the accused.

Baddest man on the planet shall mean the genius who booked ANC president Jacob Zuma to speak at the Mike Tyson banquet at Emperors Palace. While I consider myself very liberal, even I would not hold, or speak at, a function in “honour” of a convicted rapist.

Load shedding shall mean the reason why you do not have power at any given time.

Public Protector shall mean the guys who send letters to Eskom asking them difficult questions about this exercise of no power (save our article and use the answers given by Eskom at your company’s liquidation enquiry or a meeting of creditors at your sequestration).

Dikgang Moseneke — famous for “I have another 10 to 12 years on the bench and I want to use my energy [common to all South Africans since Eskom started withholding its energy] to help create an equal society.” Unfortunately the judge doesn’t have a Public Protector that can ask difficult questions on his behalf in the event of him becoming a victim of another form of power shedding. This could give new meaning to the phrase “stopping in mid-sentence” (which may apply to many judges who have too much courage and go for a conviction).

Phosa shall mean the short pause between Polokwane and the time it took for the NWC to urge closure of the Scorpions (also see our section on animal conservation entitled “Two bulls in one kraal”).

A three-day lekgotla shall mean a meeting whereat the implementation of various Polokwane resolutions is discussed. Priority is given to vital areas such as nature conservation (kicking one bull out the kraal, preferably before the bull has had an opportunity to charge you).

Mpshe shall mean a man in a pikoli who is charging a top cop and instructs him to report to the Randburg Regional Court at the end of January.

Tlali Tlali shall mean an NPA spokesman who broke the “good news” to the poor, suffering prosecutors of Randburg and the general public. Sounds like a public health warning — “Tlali Tlali! Jackie is coming … vacate Randburg!! Don’t panic! Don’t panic!”

A letter from your mom shall mean a letter addressed to a Sunday newspaper lambasting your former party friends for eating all the cake, speaking behind your back and not inviting you to their functions.

Mbete shall mean the short response given by a parliamentary speaker to the opposition that claims a conflict of interest requiring her to stand down; for example: “Wanna mbete.”

Kgalema Motlanthe shall mean the president of the ruling party — and later the country — should the three-day lekgotla fail to take the bull by the horns and lead him from the kraal, and the acting judge be considered sane enough to sit on the bench during the trial of the man booked to speak at the Mike Tyson banquet. Talk about being in a pikoli!

Zimbabwean banknote shall mean the all-new Z$10-million bill.

Presidential pardon period shall mean the period during which the president is being lambasted by the NWC and whose response to each and every instruction shall be met with “Pardon?”

Lame duck shall mean a sitting president, currently being ignored by his party, who visits other countries to try to resolve their problems on account of it being pointless trying to solve their own as nobody seems to be listening anyway. Destinations include the Middle East and Zimbabwe. (Don’t confuse with bosberaad or Bush camp, which would appear to be a confluence of Bush and an old South African crisis-resolving initiative).

Tips for Trevor (Manuel): Don’t go through revolving doors backwards.

Tips for eating out: eat at the fanciest restaurant in town, order the best of everything and chew slowly. When you are finished do not call for the bill; keep ordering coffee. There’s load-shedding coming to that restaurant any moment now … and eureka! … exit stage left. Don’t forget to run. (Next week: Applying for bail made easy.)

Petrol hike shall mean that motorists shall be forced to hike as the price of petrol hits the roof. Think of all the weight (load shedding?) you’re going to lose as you make your way on foot from Houghton to a meeting in Sandton. Will it be dark by the time you get to your meeting? Can’t honestly say, but it will be dark in the building (see load shedding above). Is walking dangerous? Not unless an engine falls off one of our planes and you happen to be standing directly underneath it. (NB: For those geniuses who intend to employ the “tips for eating out”, kindly note that it may be inadvisable if you are a victim of the “petrol hike”).

See the earlier version done around September