2008: Nutcracker's sweet or ballbreakers R Us? (Part I)

So don’t yield to the fortunes — You sometimes see as fate — It may have a new perspective — On a different date — And if you don’t give up, and don’t give in — You may just be OK. (Mike and the Mechanics, Living Years)

2008 may well prove to be pivotal in the history of South Africa.

The ability of the government and the ANC’s newly elected NEC to overcome their differences in the interests of the party and all South Africans is going to be one of the pillars upon which this year is built. If they cannot work together the ramifications for the party could be severe.

In light of the decision to charge ANC president Jacob Zuma on Friday and the manner in which it was done, this does not bode well.

People were led to believe that the minister of justice would oversee both the Zuma and Selebi matters upon her return to office. Instead the news began breaking first on the radio and then on television that the papers had already been served.

Hardly the transparent, step-by-well-explained step we were hoping for — particularly if the independent criminal justice system is to contribute to the easing of political tensions. It is inconceivable that they were unaware of the prevailing sentiment of the vast majority of people in this country.

Instead of waiting for an appropriate time to set out their stall clearly and concisely, allaying fears that this was some form of political revenge for Polokwane, we were treated to a political bombshell in a vacuum. Who serves papers of this magnitude between Christmas and New Year?

Nobody was home or at the office to field the calls of angry or nervous South Africans at a time when answers may well play a material part in reducing the impact of what promises to be a very dark and inevitable storm.

What may well have been the National Prosecuting Authority going about its business as usual is unquestionably going to be perceived as the first salvo in the next round of the Mbeki vs Zuma wars.

In the interests of fairness and a fresh start I’m relegating it to the last thro(w)es of the 2007 dice rather than the start of 2008.

Herewith a list of some of the events, alongside my wild guesses, of what will be taking place in the first half of 2008:

January
Slovenia is to assume the presidency of the European Union, space shuttle Atlantis will add a European-built space laboratory to the International Space Station and the African Cup of Nations kicks off in Ghana.

With the Pakistani elections pencilled in for January 8, the Jacob Zuma charges set to unfold and an asteroid on a possible collision course with Mars, the year may well get off to an explosive start.

It will be interesting to see what effect the events in Pakistan have on the region and the American presidential elections. The Republicans are generally more in favour of intervention while the Democrats are usually pro-isolation America-first, which may well see a shift towards the right. The American people will be concerned with the potential of nuclear weapons being passed on by disaffected members of the Pakistani military to the Taliban or other groups anti-American.

Back home Cosatu, the ANCYL and the SACP to bring pressure to bear for the ill-timing of the NPA in charging JZ.

February
It’s a leap year, which should see the ladies start to assert themselves, space shuttle Endeavour will add the first part of the Japanese Kibo Module to the International Space Station and a total lunar eclipse will darken the planet towards the end of the month.

It is also the month of the 80th Academy Awards — perhaps we may see South Africans achieve nominations for:
Best Actress: Manto for her role as a beetroot and potato salesperson. Why she’s become almost like a minister of health to us.

Best Actor in a Comedy Role: Barry Hilton for his role in painting by numbers. (Also in line for picture of the year unless the court orders him to return it).

Best Animated Short: Again Barry Hilton was pretty short and very animated when they arrested him.

Best Score: The guy who fetched the stuff DJ Sbu must have been smoking when he drove his car at 257km/h.

Winnie Mandela invited to chair the ANC’s Women’s League.

March
March will see the Russian presidential elections or “you always get out what you Putin”. Looks like a one-horse race with Putin-backed Dmitry Medvedev romping home.

Of course if Medvedev wins, Putin has agreed to be his prime minister, thereby entrenching his grip on power.

Seems South Africa won’t be the only country with two centres of power.

By this stage expect rumblings with Cosatu, the ANCYL and the SACP putting pressure on the government to increase dramatically. It may even be time for a vote of no-confidence to be tabled in Parliament.

The DA and Zille will have put “that” investigation behind them and start to put pressure on the two ANC factions to start working together in the interests of all South Africans.

April
Zimbabweans who have been queuing to return old banknotes since December finally reach the front of the queue.

Robert Mugabe introduces the new “bearer check” — this is not a negotiable instrument but rather a device to measure the rate of inflation. During the latter half of the month it is discarded because it only measures figures with up to 12 zeros.

In fact the world hasn’t seen this many zeros since the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbour.

The device is not to be reprogrammed after the Liberator accuses its designer of being racist.

The planet resolves to abolish April Fool’s Day, electing rather to nominate the Zimbabwean Liberator as the lifetime achiever and holder of that title.

May
It’s time for local elections in England and Wales, the Phoenix spacecraft lands on Mars (or arrives where Mars used to be before the asteroid hit it) and the Eurovision song contest takes place in Serbia.

South Africa holds its own contest with hits like: on Austrian tourists, the Ghanaian ambassador and a Swiss banker.

The Gautrain becomes the GauMpumalangatrain when engineers veer off course.

Barry Hilton is acquitted when the court holds it(s) sides with laughter.

The ANC women’s League endorses the campaign by Cosatu, the ANCYL and the SACP to unseat the president or at the very least send Mluleki George to Cuba, El Salvador or anywhere.

Motor vehicle purchasers need to establish that they can afford a full tank of petrol before being allowed to buy a car.

June
This will see Expo 2008 being held in Zaragoza in Spain, the international exhibition whose theme will be Water and Sustainable Development.

Euro 2008 football finals will take place in Austria and Switzerland.

Garfield turns 30 while the White House will be remodelled.

The DA aligns with the government in avoiding a second vote of no confidence in Parliament.

Nasa’s Pluto probe will cross the orbit of Saturn while the NPA’s probe of JZ will cross … everyone.

Barry Hilton will be arrested on a charge of trying to start an art gallery on the back of debt collecting.

Judge Motata will be appointed on a panel to adjudicate the world’s top ten teas but is disqualified when he confuses Earl Grey with Johnny Walker Blue. Isn’t that always the way?

JZ is asked whether there is a place for journalists in South Africa — he confirms that there is but he hasn’t had time to dig it yet.