Britney Spears in talks to play the Virgin Mary

Before I begin, don’t let me catch anyone sniggering.

Just because a person is an alcoholic does not mean she can’t play a sober part. Just because a person is slow doesn’t mean that she can’t play Einstein. Just because a person loses her clothing (and occasionally her hair) if anybody coughs does not mean she can’t play the part of the Virgin Mary.

It just means that the producers must ensure that they have a strong cough syrup available at all times. Unless, of course, Britney decides to start snorting it, in which case they’ll just have to take a chance with the coughing and secure her clothing with a staple gun.

Regardless, it is not for cynics to deprive her of this wonderful opportunity.

For my part, I believe Ms Spears will be brilliant in the part. In years to come, people will look back and say: “This was her finest hour.” (Mind you, it could be her finest two years, what with her taking time off between shoots to go into rehab, regrow her hair … sniff her lines … wait! that should read “relearn her lines”.)

Notwithstanding, once she has made the part her own, people will never again be able to watch a nativity play without thinking of Britney.

I would imagine that the film would run along the following lines:

It opens with Mary and Joseph on their way back to Bethlehem. Mary is riding the donkey and Joseph is walking alongside her. The producers will, of course, be taking extra precautions to ensure that Britney and the donkey are never left alone together.

While the staples holding her wig tight on her bald head may prove distracting, most viewers will find the scene compelling.

When they arrive in Bethlehem, all the inns are full and they are required to make do with a stable.

This is the great irony of the movie: that this important moment in history takes place in a stable, with the central role being played by an actress whose picture is featured next to the definition of “unstable” in the Oxford English Dictionary.

The fact that her ex-hubby got custody of the kids will also not be lost on audiences.

One of the most touching moments will be when Baby Jesus is born and the child-welfare people swoop down on the set. The decision to include the custody battle between some outraged local mother who lent them the baby and the social workers may well prove to be the highlight of the film.

Then it’s the turn of the three wise men to follow the bright star in the east.

The producers will show great creativity in using a huge neon light as the star above the stable, so that Britney can do her child-custody depositions while she’s waiting for them to arrive.

What with Britney at the cough syrup, which will be hastily reintroduced after the staple gun fails; “Mary” annulling her marriage to Joseph who is “just a childhood friend”; and no animal in the stable safe, the hours will just fly by.

Calls by the producers to have Ms Spears spayed to save the picture will be dismissed out of hand.

By the time the three wise men arrive, the actor playing Joseph will be in therapy, the animals removed for safekeeping, the Baby Jesus and his biological mother locked in a custody battle and the director as bald as Britney after the staple gun failed.

So it’ll be just the three wise men and Britney, alone in the stable.

The producers pawn off the staple gun and purchase a crowbar.

As I say, it will certainly be a nativity play on the big screen that nobody will ever be able to forget.

Britney Does Bethlehem, anyone?