Knut? We're Africa, FFS -- Mathe the friendly lion

Knut, the baby polar bear, turned one year old yesterday and the Germans continue to make trillions selling photos, keyrings and any kind of merchandise you can think of.

We’re Africa, FFS! We do animals … that’s our thing — that’s how we lure tourists down here for death and redistribution! What is the Johannesburg Zoo doing about it?

Nothing!

What we need is something to wow the Yanks and Europeans, something that’ll knock ’em bandy and have ’em pouring into South Africa for more.

Just an idea: “Mathe, the Friendly Lion”.

More and more we hear stories about our lions grazing people on the borders, in game parks and even on private farms. Often these lions are destroyed as they have become man-eaters. It’s become so bad the man-eaters are on the endangered-species list.

The Johannesburg Zoo must pop down to one of those farms, ensure it has one of the man-eaters, dart it in every sense of the word (they’ll be dropping plenty) and bring it back to its brand-new cage at the zoo.

That’s the easy part.

Now we have to get “Mathe the Friendly Lion” to do things that will attract the attention of the outside world. Here’s where it gets a bit tricky.

The head of the Johannesburg Zoo needs to get hold of one of the major US networks and invite one of its main news anchors to open the new lion enclosure.

When he arrives, the zoo will advise him that Mathe (who will probably be digesting one of the keepers at the time) is the friendliest lion it has ever hooked out of the wilds. So why not open the enclosure from inside the cage?

Then, when “Bob” the Reporter from ABC goes in to do a feel-good story for the viewers back home, the cameras will catch him entering the cage, probably making some inane comment like “Nice kitty”, before being chowed by Mathe the-not-so-nice kitty.

Instant worldwide coverage!

(NB: the head of Jo’burg Zoo must turn state witness against the Pretoria Zoo immediately. He’ll be out, in witness protection and munching tea and biscuits before you can say “murder charge”.)

The media and internet will be flooded with outraged well-wishers expressing shock at those negligent and murderous idiots in Africa, only to be out-flooded by the animal rights groups calling for an investigation before hurting this poor beast.

The zoo then takes the lead in expressing its shock and outrage at Bob having somehow turned this docile ol’ lion into a killer.

“He’s never done this before [which is true — Mathe has never been fed a TV reporter before] and we refuse to destroy this noble creature because of some animal-abusing reporter …”

This will infuriate the Yanks and draw more intense worldwide press-coverage of Mathe: pictures of Mathe with captions such as “Man-eater, or was he pushed?” or “Is Mathe a weapon or are the South Africans developing lions for domestic consumption?”. Maybe even “Bush demands that Mbeki come clean about Mathe’s real purpose — domestic or a weapon
of …”, but I digress.

At which point the zoo must offer to send in one of its own keepers to feed Mathe before the cameras. Just to show what happens when a real man steeped in wildlife (probably steeped in a long line of his own droppings as he approaches the cage — but this is technical), handles the king of the jungle.

The zoo can draw lots (they’ll have to — lots and lots because no sane keeper’s stepping in that cage).

Then, with the world’s media assembled, Alan (the designated keeper, soon to be the late Alan — the guy with the sniper’s laser dot on the back of his head) approaches the cage.

Local papers will refer to his moment of entry as “very droll” … on account of him leaving about 35 in a brown path leading up to the cage.

Where was I? … Oh yes. Mathe, having digested a Japanese touring party the previous day, will be sitting there with a flash going off every time he yawns (from all the cellphones with cameras he’s swallowed).

Alan enters the cage, and the next few seconds are a blur as Mathe the Friendly Lion tears him limb from limb, to the ringtones of the William Tell Overture — of course swallowing all those cellphones makes Mathe more “mobile”.

It’s disgusting! Nobody will be allowed to see this disgusting spectacle, for at least 20 minutes until the makers of Saddam have it all over the internet.

More outrage — and then, just when the world is about to call for the head of Mathe, the zoo announces that Robert Mugabe wants to come and meet the famous lion in his cage.

And we all know that nobody is going to kill Mathe for two Bob.