And now for something completely different:
July
World Youth Day will be celebrated in Sydney, Australia, and Bill Gates will step down from the day-to-day running of Microsoft.
As the Jacob Zuma trial approaches, the government confirms that the decision on Jackie Selebi will be taken as soon as the minister of justice has returned from a seminar.
Cosatu threatens rolling mass action unless the charges are withdrawn against Zuma.
The English Premiership launches an enquiry into referee Alan Wiley’s failure to award Manchester United their prescribed penalty in the Premier League’s final round of games in May. This according to experts is the first time it has happened in 234 games. Wiley, in his defence, said that he was so busy being surrounded by United players throughout the match he forgot all about it. Good news for United is that Cristiano Ronaldo has overcome his bout of grass burns and diver’s cramp, making him available for next season. McDonald’s launches a new salad in celebration — it’s called “Tossers”.
In their new circus act, Judge Motata and Robert McBride, sponsored by Chivas Regal, demonstrate a stunt even Evel Knievel would have baulked at: McBride rolls his car over and over while Judge Motata has to drive under it and into a wall. DJ Sbu’s attempts at making it a threesome are rejected because they took his car away.
August
Solar eclipse in the northern hemisphere, the 2008 Democratic Convention in Denver, Colorado, and the World Congress on Philosophy in Seoul, North Korea.
Of course it’s the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, China.
Having watched Ms China walk off with the Ms World title in China don’t bet against Chinese athletes sweeping the board. If Ms China is the best the world has to offer then I’m all for scrapping these contests or introducing judges with glasses.
Mind you, it might be some kind of portent that the Olympics and the congress of philosophy coincide — what with all our youth busy putting pressure on the president, our return from the games might best be described as Nihilism.
Kgalema Motlanthe repeats his calls for party unity and expresses the wish that he be allowed to return to talent spotting for Bafana Bafana.
Hillary cracks the nod from the Democrats and her supporters release a song: You’ll never flip-flop alone.
The Jacob Zuma trial is postponed while the chief justice tries to persuade Judge Motata (the daredevil) to preside. In fact, the only country with fewer judges available is Pakistan where the president has arrested them all.
September
Republic Convention in Minnesota where Rudy Giuliani, despite having pro-abortion and gay policies, incredibly cracks the nod.
Freedom Tower set for topping out as the replacement for the World Trade Centre.
The shuttle Atlantis undertakes its last mission to the Hubble Telescope.
It’s the UN’s International Day of Peace (pieces? flames?)
United States Africa Command to be established in Stuttgart Germany. Later it will move to Africa. Its goals being diplomatic, economic and humanitarian aid rather than military intervention (but you just know that it will be inundated with requests for this … but I digress)
In South Africa we celebrate the all new, very quiet diplomacy policy on Zimbabwe. With Bob still in charge it’s going to get much quieter as the population shows a dramatic reduction. (He’s on holiday as I type so I shouldn’t disturb him … although he is generally disturbed)
October
It’s the second postponement of the Jacob Zuma trial. The ANC is concerned as it’s playing havoc with their selections for the 2009 election. Albert Morton of New Zealand (South Africa’s 7 543rd head of the NPA — no local will touch the post) has promised Judge Motata lifelong immunity from prosecution, all the tea he can drink (while alive presumably) and enough ebucks to sink a battleship if he’ll preside over the trial.
South Africa’s legal and medical associations meet in an attempt to discuss the mysterious illness that has flattened almost every available judge and yet seems not to be contagious to anyone off the bench. Theories of a new type of Bird Flu abound — Chicken Flu.
It is also the month of the inaugural Fifa Under-17 Women’s World Cup.
2008 Rugby League World Cup in Australia and New Zealand.
Nasa’s Messenger spacecraft makes the second of three fly-bys off Mercury.
November
On November 4 the World is shocked by the news that Rudy Giuliani is elected as the 44th president of the United States.
Congressional and one-third Senator elections sees a dramatic swing to the Republicans in light of events unfolding in Iran, Pakistan and Iraq.
It is also the month for elections in New Zealand.
The inaugural Fifa Under-20 Women’s World Cup.
The movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is set for release.
The ANC denies that there are factions within the parties as the SAPS and Scorpions (who will still exist) arrest each other in such number that security companies are entrusted with law enforcement until after the 2009 elections.
Vladimir Incontinentov is appointed the 9 567th head of the NPA.
The decision on whether to prosecute Selebi awaits return of the Justice minister from shopping.
December
The Burj Dubai is expected to be completed — the world’s tallest building and man-made structure.
The NPA will be arresting politicians between December 25 and New Year’s Day as part of the warm-up to the 2009 elections.
The president will commence his New Year’s speech with: “My fellow South Africans, at least those I can still trust …”
The whites will be asking: “What about Cyril or Tokyo … I’m sure Cyril must be Jewish.”
George Bush will finally get to pronounce “nuclear” instead of “nuckeler”.
We’ll be busying ourselves doing our 2009 predictions.
A prince with dignity and determination
Prince Ngarambe’s goals are to become Rwanda’s first transgender model and to uplift the country’s youth
The EFF’s principles are unshakeable
Unlike the ANC, the core values of the freedom fighters do not change with each leader it elects
