The Sumo

Ladies, you are leaving us less and less choice

This has been a long time in the making and I apologise to my detractors and supporters alike for it taking this long to pen the follow-up to “I blame your mother for your laziness” which came in for much debate, as anticipated, and I hope that it opened people’s minds to how most men…

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The God-Fearing People’s Party

I was watching the news yesterday for some reason, I must have been either really bored, comatose or my housemate was forcing “current affairs” (aka what the media is punting for their mates that day) on me and I saw a report on some of the commentary that was presented on the State of the…

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I blame your mother

Why do women in Johannesburg have to be so lazy?! To say that I am a traditionalist would be a wild inaccuracy. Yes, I am a proud Zulu man. Yes, I do actually count Zulu royalty among my ancestors. Yes, I believe there should be a clear head of the household and it should wear…

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The Valentine’s Day Heist

Yup, Valentine’s Day is coming up again this month, that rip-off of monumental proportions only eclipsed by that fat-guy-in-a-red-bodysuit scam that comes conveniently around bonus time. Am I the only person who worries that being a Santa Clause in a mall would be the sweetest gig for a paedophile? Excuse the pun, but it must…

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My advanced girth — a serious safety threat

It was a normally lonely Wednesday evening for me as I sat on the couch rapturously gulping down a dozen Castle Lagers in order to be drunk enough to pass out and fall asleep some time before midnight. I have a problem sleeping, you see, and since I think sleeping tablets are the preserve of…

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I am quite positively in love with Agnes

Agnes is the lady who comes around every Tuesday to do our housework and make sure the house I share with a housemate, D-dog, doesn’t deteriorate to hygiene levels below that of an Eastern Cape farm’s pigsty. I think I have fallen for her and it took her being away for three months or so…

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7de Laan and other matters of grave concern to Afrikaner supremacists

I don’t read much, I am black after all, but I found myself perusing the sacred pages of the weekly Sunday Times yesterday evening. You see, my housemate buys the paper, I think out of habit more than anything else because he constantly complains about the content now carried on the pages. And since there…

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Hands off my beloved brown bottle

I reiterate — I love beer. The golden nectar is truly a gift from the Almighty. There is a quote attributed to Benjamin Franklin that goes “beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy” and I believe that this may not be far from the truth. My happiest moments have…

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My brothers, they will never let you win

I love beer … a lot. Most of my life revolves around the stuff. I have formed and broken friendships and relationships based on whether they would have a positive or negative impact on my beer consumption and its frequency. I work hard at my job, I don’t allow much to phase me, even blatant…

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Why is it not prostitution?

Disclaimer: This piece has nothing to do with any engagement I may have had or will have in the near future with any female imagined or otherwise. This is merely for me to pose a question that has bugged me forever. We all know what prostitution is; let us first accept that it is the…

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