Zille vs Zuma: hitting the right note with the electorate

The official opposition has called for the upcoming general elections to be scrapped and for them to be replaced with Politics Idols – a singing competition with one singer participating from each political party. This comes after Helen Zille’s stirring performance (accompanied with spirited boogieing) of Never give up, the DA’s new anticrime song, outside a drug dealer’s house in Belhar.

The ANC is believed to be in favour of the idea, provided they can appoint the judges. Counter-revolutionaries such as Randall Abrahams and Gareth Cliff will not be included on the panel.

“If music be the food of love, play on,” Jacob Zuma said, tapping his tummy, at today’s press conference. He uncharacteristically sang his adversary’s praises: “For once Helen is making a constructive contribution. She’s always daring me to debate against her and yet she knows I would far rather do a dance-off.”

The cocksure Mr Zuma is reportedly feeling confident about winning. “I’m in good shape – it’s all that singing in the shower. The baby oil helps me to reach the high notes.” He plans to do a cover of I kissed a girl and I liked it but his newly appointed music manager Jon Qwelane has other plans.

“The great Msholozi will be singing something from The Village People. He’s at home in a rural kraal, so it’s appropriate.” Another option Qwelane is mooting is Money, Money, Money. “It’s absolutely fab – in fact it’s one of our favourite ABBA songs,” he explains.

When asked for comment on the proposed electoral amendment, the UDM’s Bantu Holomisa broke down, confessing he had never been much of a vocalist and hadn’t performed well ever since he and Roelf Meyer stopped singing from the same song sheet. Other irrelevant parties, however, seem to be quite welcome to the idea – including the Inkatha Freedom Party which plans to stage a remake of Epitombi.

A furious Patricia de Lille is singing a different tune, however. “Music is the tik of the masses,” she spat. “And it was heartless of Helen to torture that poor drug dealer until all hours of the night – it’s everyone’s human right to have a good night’s rest.” The ID leader is canvassing the party’s three Northern Cape supporters on what to do next, but is waiting for cellphone coverage to reach them before any protest actions are proposed to them.