Would you come to my terror camp?

I went for a run tonight. And I had a business idea. Terror camp. It is like one of those fitness boot camps. But run by jihadists. Now before you click on the home button or do something silly like go read an article about Juju or ET, let me lay this plan out for you.

The fitness dollar is a good dollar. There is millions to be made. Everyone dreams of being fit and thin. Everyone wants that little skinny ass that fits nicely into a pair of Cheap Mondays. If you don’t know what those are, don’t worry, you are probably too fat to get into them. The world is cruel like that. It wasn’t made for porkers like you and me. It was made for the hipsters and the libertines in their skinny jeanpant (that’s a hint on the Cheap Monday thing). Like the kids I work with. Who hang about all day playing table tennis, doing tricks on their fixies, laughing a lot and looking phat. While I sit upstairs in my straight cut jeans, feeling glum and looking fat. Wishing I could be a rad skinny lad.

Well, what better way to do it than by declaring jihad on your flab at Terror Camp? As a trainee jihadist you are pretty much banned from drinking booze, going to clubs, hanging out with chicks or watching any sort of TV shows. So what else you gonna do but get into shape?

The programme would start with a short video statement. Your own personal fatwa on fat. Where you get to name and shame all those dirty purveyors of infidel lard that have led to you having the mother of all asses. The pigdog capitalist devil scum like Ronald, the Colonel and Spongebob. Yes, that’s right, Spongebob. That cute little cartoon sea sponge is evil. He has sucked up billions of hours of kids’ playtime, turning children across the planet into shapes that are vaguely reminiscent of him. He has generated a generation of spongeblob children. And to add to all, he has suckered them into buying a million tons of happy meals, junior whoppers and Spongebob bucket meals. In Australia they even gave him an award for his efforts — the 2007 pester power award for the manipulative marketing of junk food to kids. Yes, Spongebob, you’ve got us angry. And the good thing about anger? It burns carbs. And that’s what terror camp is all about.

Now, I won’t lie to you, the training at terror camp will be tough. It is terror camp after all. Hot temperatures, long hikes through the mountains, lot of cave-work and the occasional skirmish. But the good thing is there are plenty of awesome motivators at terror camp. Like daisy cutter bombs, apache attack helicopters and a personal favourite — the predator drone. An unmanned plane that can shoot a fly off a camel’s back or just destroy a whole village of innocent people. But that’s what is awesome about it. It keeps you on your toes. Keeps you moving, agile, loose and afraid. And what’s the good thing about fear? You guessed it, it burns carbs. And that’s what terror camp is all about.

Lot of you folks out there are probably business minded, you read some pretty high-brow stuff (like this), you know the skinny on a successful business model. You know what’s cooking and what’s not. And you’re probably thinking, well, there’s a lot of fitness programmes out there saying this and that is gonna get rid of your fat. What makes this one unique? What is that killer angle that is gonna make this venture just blow up?

Well, exactly that. If our course hasn’t helped, if the intense training, fatigue, battles, lack of booze, food and sex hasn’t done its job, we’ll blow that excess weight right off you with one final mission. It’s like a wise man in Soldier of Fortune magazine once said: There is not a single problem in this world that can’t be solved with the tactical application of semtex. There is a good chance there won’t be much left of you, but at least all those flabby bits will be gone. Well, we shouldn’t say entirely gone, but definitely spread over a few square blocks. Like a thin layer of margarine over a slice of chunky wholemeal toast. Now that’s healthy.