What does Mugabe want from God?

Mugabe’s assertion that only God could remove him is cause for celebration. The despot has effectively pointed out his own fallibility and has paved the way for the Zimbabwean people, SADC and Zapiro to finally dethrone him.

Now we just need to find God.

According to academics, diplomats and Ahmadi, the Palestinian shephard, there are more conflicts across the globe than ever before. Of course, this has been the claim ever since Berlin’s Potsdamer Platz became a cinema complex, but it is difficult to argue otherwise.

Conflicts in Sudan, Western Sahara, Israel/Palestine, Burma, Iraq, Tibet, Kashmir, Ethiopia, Sri-Lanka and Hillbrow continue without respite, with some merely more visible than others (levels ofvisibility determined by their proximity to oil, weapons of mass destruction and falafel).

Mugabe has a point: surely it is time God intervened?

In the case of Zimbabwe, if the will of the people (ie the ballot sheet) is not convincing enough, what exactly does Mugabe desire?

A new Prophet?

One who would help bring us together, save the whales, revive Sylvester Stallone’s beyond dead film career, and most importantly get Mugabe to finally pass on the wreath, close his eyes on this world and leave us the hell alone?

But as a self-confessed God fearing man, surely Mugabe should have slaughtered a goat, drank Rooibos with the Queen and accepted Tsvangarai, if he was the chosen one?

Are we missing a trick?

We know that religion has mostly emerged, re-emerged and re-re-emerged during times of incessant social strife. Buddha rejected the suffering of pursuing worldly pleasures and searched for truth; Moses led the Israelites out of bondage in Egypt and Muhammed saved the Arabs, mostly from themselves.

While it might be as good a time as any for God to send us an update, Mugabe’s request for a more poignant sign might be asking for too much. Never mind that some of us believe that the times of big bearded, colossal-like miracle-men striding the earth, preaching God’s word without distraction, has long passed. Today, he’d have to compete with the Sony Playstation. Besides, with Bob so drenched in blood, noticing the seer would take some doing.

Needless to say, it would be confusing for us all.

Indeed, in this new age of bizarre levels of interconnectedness, consumerism and brand power, how would this Prophet survive, prosper and change the world? What would he wear? If a robe, would it be branded? Versace? Mr Price? How would he travel? BMW? Tata? Toyota, Pirius (celebrity global warming compliant vehicle)? More than anything else, we know that the Prophet can’t be white or British (a pity considering how well Sean Connery played Bond), but surely he wouldn’t don a beard, sandals and robe and risk being denied a Schengen visa?

What would he eat? Fast food? Or would it be just rice or samp to identify with the common man during these days of food shortages? What would be his politics? Left? Centre Left? Right? Would he be able to solve HIV/Aids with a mere touch or would he get into the condoms VS abstinence debate? Would he denounce child labour, as in curse the entire Nike or Adidas chain, from producer to consumers? Would be join the anarchists and camp outside G8 meetings or would he present and publish papers at academic conferences?

How about his offices? Would his be part of the emerging virtual corporations with wireless everything, or would he work from a rundown office down town? Would he have a secretary, PR officer or a celebrity manager? What language would he preach in? Would he use email to spread God’s word and press statements or would he have his own television channel?

How about his arrival? Would he be a reincarnation of the Dalai Lama and spread a jet-setting code of non-violence? Would he be a descendent of Abraham, and be something out of a Dan Brown novel? Or would he simply be the Aborigine that got away?

And if he were a she? Then what Bob?