What 2010 does NOT hold in store

1. In an attempt to quell the simmering leadership tensions, Cope will adopt a rolling substitution policy for its top positions. The Rev Dandala will deny that this undermines his leadership in any way and offer that it is a shining victory for democracy.

2. Upset at having to wait a whole 30 days before he gets to play prez again, Mosiuoa Lekota will start his own Cope offshoot. Peter Marais will be quick to jump on the bandwagon extolling a new day for South Africa’s democracy. You can guess how this one will end.

3. In a valiant attempt to strengthen her grip on the Western Cape, Helen Zille will release a CD/DVD of old coloured folk music standards. She will deny having the cover airbrushed nor explain why her expression remains the same throughout all the videos.

4. JZ will get married again. It’s inevitable really.

5. Julius Malema will burst into flames while ranting against counter-revolutionaries, Gucci revolutionaries, red wine revolutionaries and other non-approved types of revolutionaries at a rally. Journos all over the country will be heard wailing at the realisation that they have to go back to researching actual stories. And in an unrelated occurrence the SA blogosphere will shrink by 75% while the coffee shop brigade will revert to discussing such mundanities as their adulterous spouses, drug addict kids and the “shocking” situation in Zim.

6. JZ will get married yet again.

7. The ACDP will propose a motion to burn him at the stake.

8. AfriForum will lodge a complaint with the Human Rights Commission regarding JZ’s exclusively black bridal selections. Sympathisers will contend it is a sure sign that the ANC govt is “perpetuating a reverse apartheid state” and that SA is “a step closer to being another Zimbabwe” citing Mugabe’s similar preference for black spouses as irrefutable proof.

9. In an attempt to gain a wider following, the ACDP will present a more liberal front. The Rev Meshoe will publicly baptise a gay couple into his own flock, with a fire hose.

10. Patrice Motsepe will buy half the country in a landmark BEE deal. Sadly the said half will not contain any decent shirt tailors, nor yield any new talent for his Sundowns FC.

11. Ex-pres Mbeki will release a statement explaining that there are no land grabs happening in Zim. All that is happening is “a re-alignment of the proprietorship of natural African endowments as per the revolutionary ideals of the African renaissance”. He will then challenge anyone to prove that sending through truckloads of militants signals an intention to intimidate rather than “the state fostering closer ties with the agricultural sector”.

12. Joost will shock YOU and Huisgenoot readers everywhere by admitting the whole videotape and tell-all book saga was an elaborate publicity stunt. At a tearful press conference at his local NG Kerk, he and Amore will promise to “truly confess all” in a soon-to-be released book “Joost and Amore: The Power Couple Behind the Man Behind the Man in the Mirror”.

13. The SACP will give up the Marxist ghost and rebrand itself as the South African Consumerist Party. Will promise the public “great parties, by the party, for the party” and “a Beemer in ever garage”.

14. The newly relaunched SACP will partner with the DA in introducing free Botoxing at public clinics all over the Western Cape. Premier Zille will the first recipient to show the public “it’s safe and for everyone” and will offer free Zille Treffer DVD’s to the first 100 participants.

15. The pres will come out with a firm unequivocal rebuke of his comrades by lashing out against unwarranted eye contact in the Union Building urinals.