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Two kilos of tenderised Malema please!

With the country in a tizz after sizzling reactions to severe price hikes as “tenderised Malema” hit the newsstands, fictitious members of the ANC top-brass met at an emergency meeting on Monday to resolve the latest crisis in the party.

As news of government tenders enhancing the meagre salaries of government officials, their families, and their families’ families, appeared to have boosted newspaper record sales over the weekend, ANC leadership came to a set of binding resolutions in a bid to root out corruption in government.

In a dramatic shift the ANC released a statement early this morning saying that it is within the right of a senior cadre not to partake in government deals.

“Although we are adamant that it is the right of all in the ANC to amass wealth and secure a financial future after years of sacrifice in fighting against colonisation, imperialism, apartheid and then Thabo Mbeki and the SABC, we want to clarify that we will not penalise comrades who fail to take advantage of the opportunity to win tenders,” the statement read.

The statement added that the audit of state-owned enterprises, through the auspices of an external audit, would go ahead, and there would be a move to audit MPs and senior ANC cadres.

“But in the interests of democracy, and rights to the individual, we are vehemently opposed to publishing the results of this audit”

“It is like an HIV test,” the statement read.

“President Jacob Zuma agreed to be tested, but it is his constitutional right to keep his status private. The audit will be conducted for internal review only, and if infected, the necessary adjustments will be made.”

Responding to the Malema crisis, the statement only offered tacit support.

“With regards to Comrade Malema and his multiple business contracts, the ANC reiterates that the public needs to remember that Comrade Malema failed maths at school and his mother was a domestic worker.”

Responding to the statement, the DA said that nepotism was a feature of a healthy democracy.

“We appreciate that government tenders will naturally go to politicians’ families and friends, as they do in most democracies,” said the statement released on Monday morning.

“We understand the public outrage about the number of tenders Malema has procured, but we urge South Africans to re-visit Rudyard Kipling’s sketch about the Limpopo in The Elephant’s Child”.

“Limpopo has always been a troubled part of the country; Kipling’s description: the great grey-green, greasy Limpopo River, all set about with fever-trees, was really a symbol of things to come.”

“But don’t be alarmed, the DA is coming,” the statement concluded.

The ANCYL blasted the DA’s conjecture that Malema was the elephant’s child, but thanked the media for locating lost tender documents.

“The reference to Malema and the elephant’s child is racist, and we are disturbed that an imperialist like Kipling who did nothing but venerate Limpopo’s natural beauty would be raised in this quorum.”

“We usually do not like invasion of privacy but South Africa’s media is fast maturing. With the number of tenders we are busy with currently, it is very easy for a couple to slip off the radar. We didn’t even know we were also manufacturing parliament’s toilet paper,” the statement concluded.

Malema held a media conference on Monday afternoon, denied any wrong-doing and fuelled speculation that truth is often stranger than fiction.


  • Azad Essa is a journalist at Al Jazeera. He is also the author of a book called "Zuma's Bastard" (Two Dogs Books, October 2010) Yes, it is the name of a book. A real book. With a kickass cover. Click on the cover to find out more. You know you want to. or join the revolution: Accidental Academic won best political blog at the South African Blog awards 2009 and is a finalist for 2010.


  1. suntosh suntosh 23 February 2010

    Haha, nice one!

  2. ayesha ayesha 23 February 2010

    very nice Azad. Fresh take … entertaining with a punch.
    It hurts though – In a deep way

  3. Alan in Botswana Alan in Botswana 24 February 2010

    And in further news…………the ANC has issued a statement denying the contents of a story which will be appearing in the media in the not too distant future. In an apparent pre-emptive move, a relaxed looking Malema announced that “”these allegations are all part of a conspiracy designed to show the party in a bad light””. ESKOM meanwhile denied that it was responsible for the bad lighting and asked for a 35% increase with immediate effect.

  4. MLH MLH 24 February 2010

    That was fun…and liberating.

  5. Peter Joffe Peter Joffe 24 February 2010

    The world laughed at Hitler. The world laughed at Idi Amin. The world laughed at the stpidity of Mugabe and now we laugh at the antics of Malema. What if history repeats itself in Malema’s case? How many of us will be laughing then??

  6. Benzol Benzol 24 February 2010

    I am so glad to see the humour entering this columns.

    Keep it going, please!

    Ridicule hits harder than moaning and is more fun.

  7. fellow fighter fellow fighter 24 February 2010

    You don’t make fun on serious issues like this,because some of us have the duty to delivery effective service to the community in particular the poorest of the poor.The young lions will not stop to fulfill it mandate of liberating African people of this country. Calling the ANCYL President names won’t help to liberate the people from mental exploitation, people need to think outside the box.As part of the inteligentia of the revolution, we will continue side by side build more leadership to protect the gains of 1994 for the new generations to come.

    We don’t need any authority to tell us how to think and micromanagement does not work will never work.History will judge who ever is trying to destroy the ANCYL and Cde President will prevail.To prove that colonialism has destroy people’s thinking, the knowledge of a person is judged by tertiary qualifications.Failing to think that education without individual human right is nothing,because you will continue to be a slave or prisoner of your own body.

    The President of the youth eventhough without the grade you want him to have, he can speak the queens lengo elequently more than most people with degrees.Rediculing him won’t assist you to learn new skills. Now is the time for people to do things for themselves than to wait to be given.

    Come and join the ANCYL,We will teach you how to fish a fish. Aluta Continua!!!!

  8. John EveryMan John EveryMan 25 February 2010

    Highly enjoyable and in the best traditions of satire. Gaius Lucilius would be proud.

  9. Desire, Uganda Desire, Uganda 25 February 2010

    Good one Azad, the sarcasm in politics….!! At least there is no one justifying JM’s actions arguing that it is how wealth will be re-distributed that way. Welcome to our world…!!

  10. Arthur Charles Van Wyk Arthur Charles Van Wyk 28 February 2010

    Excellent spin..

    With writing like this.. you could easily win a tender yourself.. to become a speech writer and spokesperson for the Preidency.. since Comrade Jesse is quitting.

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