Tired of being tired

It was a Friday afternoon in Manesar – about an hour southwest of Delhi’s Indira Gandhi International Airport – and I was filled with dread at the thought of another two days of conferencing. It was day one of a “Global South Dialogue” on access to essential medicines, one of my areas of expertise, and I should have been thrilled. To bits. But instead, I was fighting off a heavy weariness that could only partly be ascribed to the crash that inevitably follows the sugar high of supersweet gulab jamun balls served with vanilla ice cream.

At the time I received the invitation – a fully funded trip to India to attend a conference hosted by a partner organisation – seemed like a good idea. While the first few months of 2008 had been particularly “challenging”, both personally and professionally, I was finally getting a firm grip on things. In particular, my workload was clearly under control. So a few days in another time zone engaging on some of the legal technicalities and complexities of medicines access work seemed quite appropriate at the time. At the time!

Fast forward a little to Saturday – an hour or so before lunch – when I was well rested. I got in an almost decent run that morning and limited my sugar intake at breakfast. I gave my presentation with ease, answered a few questions without much effort and then settled down to listen to discussions about free trade agreements and intellectual property. And then it dawned on me: I was thoroughly bored. Not tired, not jetlagged, not overworked – just gatvol of many of the bread-and-butter issues that have formed the focus of much of my work this decade.

After more than six years in my current job, a significant part of which has been dedicated to ensuring access to antiretroviral and other HIV-related medicines, I’ve come to realise that I’m actually a bit player in a local version of Groundhog Day – except that it’s not just one person who gets frustrated but rather an entire nation, and the cast includes the miserable Dr. Doolittle instead of the glamorous Andie McDowell. Day by day, month by month and year by year, we recognise the same issues, the same solutions and the same government inaction.

So this time I have decided to do things differently. I’m tired of seeking creative ways to use laws that government should itself be implementing. I’m tired of expecting some of our allies in other countries to divert their attention away from red herrings. I’m tired of being a competent, polite technocrat. Bugger, I’m just tired of feeling tired. I want action. I want progress. I want an end to excuses. And doing more of the same won’t get me what I want.

So, instead of business as usual, here’s my somewhat sketchy three point plan. First, it’s time to stop being Mr. Nice Guy. Second, it’s time to stop doing the state’s dirty work. Third, it’s time to find ways to get government to do its job. I had hoped to flesh out the three points during the remainder of the conference. But all of my energy had to be dedicated to keeping awake. Despite adequate rest and limited sugar intake, I was consistently overwhelmed by fatigue. It seems that boredom, like inertia, is a very powerful force.