The sober mind wonders

While in one of my (usual) daily vegetative state/contemplation periods, I’ve been mulling over a few things in my head, without getting much joy. Oh for a personal wench to give a good kicking to at such moments. These enlightened ages are really dwas when it comes to personal amusement.

Not being one to doubt my own intellect (stop sniggering at the back there!), I have decided that maybe it was simply that I’ve been thinking too hard about and am at that point where one cannot see the wood for the trees/SAPS for the incompetent loons/Pope for the Anti-erm … never mind that.

So I decided to put the subjects of my cerebral turmoil to the general Sports Leader forum, in the hope that the enlightened amongst you (yes, you too!) could lead me toward the light, as it were.

So without further ado, here are my 20 burning (mostly local) football related questions:

1. Orlando Pirates’ red kit on Tuesday. Why?

2. Why does Manchester United’s Chris Eagles look ever so slightly alien? Think about it; if his real name tuned out to be High Chief Zorg XXVI would you be surprised? And on that is Wes Brown officially classified as orange? Would he then qualify as black under new BEE legislation amendments?

3. How smart must Ruud Krol be if he sussed out immediately that not putting up a challenge to Manchester United is preferable to The Ghost than beating Chiefs? On that note, here’s hoping he does achieve that. (Post match edit — Krol should be fired.)

4. Where does Augusto Palacios keep finding these nimble, swift but ultimately useless midgets from? Are there no 6’ plus young men in SA that have decent eye-foot coordination?

5. Reporter to Zlatan Ibrahimovic: “You’ve got some scars on your face Zlatan, what happened?”
Zlatan: “Well erm, I don’t know … ask your wife”.
Why has this man never been Footballer of the Year? That’s greater than any gel-fuelled, yawn-inducing step-over trick.

6. How long till they re-introduce African teams to the Vodacom Challenge so our teams can actually have a chance to win it?

7. How long till Trott Moloto is ‘redeployed’ to the Sundowns youth team to make way for Ted Dumitru? One loss? Trailing at half-time? First shot on goal?

8. Would anyone really be surprised if Joel Santana has a ‘long-term family crisis ‘that will force him to resign from the Bafana job? I mean the guy had a good four months at the beginning of the year to sort out his personal business before coming here; what could it be that he has to do for a whole month?

9. Related to the point above, having seen our non-performances against Sierra Leone (hands up if you also thought Sierra Leone didn’t have enough people walking around with both legs intact to make a football team; welcome to the club) could you blame him? If it wasn’t for the ridiculous salary, he’d be well sure Carlos Alberto Parreira had pulled a prank on him. Actually even with that salary, I’d be looking around for Leon Schuster and a camera.

10. Did the Sierra Leone coach not look like he spent the entire team kit budget on steroids for himself? No wonder they played so hard; that man looks like he eats bullets for breakfast and defecates a civil war by lunch.

11. If English Premiership flop Collins Mbesuma breaks yet more records on his PSL return, will our defences still deserve to be called such? Actually, as it stands, do they even warrant it still?

12. Between our abysmal defences and our even worse strikers, how DO goals get scored in the PSL? Am I the only who can see that the ‘excitement’ on the faces of players when they score is actually shock-induced, temporary dementia?

13. This is not to be taken as an anti-2010 statement in ANY way. But let’s be real. After the World Cup, who’s going to fill the 60 000 seats in PE, Durban and other far-flung areas? Do Bay United, Amazulu, Arrows and Thanda Royal combined even HAVE 60 000 people who’d pay to watch them play?

14. Is the fact that Cristiano Ronaldo somehow managed to avoid (if reports are to be believed) spending a night in (the) Paris Hilton while he was in L.A. recently not a sign that God/Buddha/Allah/*insert own deity* is truly omnipotent. Imagine if they’d spawned offspring. Actually no, don’t. I don’t want to be sued for psychological damage.

15. Don’t you think Julius Malema would make a sh*t-hot PSL League PRO? Imagine the press conferences: “It will be a genuine elimination thriller this coming weekend, the league championship is kill or be killed, the boys will die for the team”. It will be like the glory days of Abdul Bhamjee. Minus the fraud. Hopefully.

16. Come to think of it, is that right there NOT the solution for number 13 above?

17. Don’t Siwelele supporters and their sporadically decent football team remind you of Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupre? One just doesn’t deserve the other. Everybody knows it, yet nobody wants to be the one to point it out.

18. Now that ‘Tso’ is back in town, are more parents going to pick up their daughters from school rather than trust them to take school buses? Not that I am saying there is any correlation between the two you understand?

19. On matters erm, nubile and vulnerable, what is Jabu Jeremiah Pule’s next trick going to be? Generations? Note to SABC 1, this is NOT a suggestion. It’s called humour.

20. Would the world’s oil reserves not last that teensy bit longer if someone barred Cristiano Ronaldo from using hair-gel?

Bonus question:

20.1 Really now, seriously, games aside and all that. What is up with THAT red kit? Is it some kind of lame mind trick? Was it to mirror Sir Alex Ferguson’s face? Or to hijack the support of the red-flag waving (sies on you!) Man United supporters at the ground?

Answers on a postcard please.

Or even just below.