Why would humans take hobbit medicine?

By Richard Kaplan

In the late 1700s, Samuel Hahnemann invented homeopathy, a system of medicine which is reputed to be very effective for treating ailments in hobbits, elves, dwarves and other creatures of Middle Earth. Unfortunately, despite centuries of practise, this “healing modality” does not work for humans.

While this may seem surprising, the reason for this is quite clear when considering that the modern-day homeopathic materia medica reads like a witches’ recipe book. It contains potions concocted from a wide variety of substances, ranging from the narcotic to the poisonous and the plainly bizarre.

Examples include: Latrodectus Mactans made from whole black widow spiders; Tuberculinum Bovinum from the pus of a cow’s tubercular abscess; Nux Vomica from the highly poisonous seeds of the strychnine tree and Magnetis Polus Australis made from the south pole of the magnet. Apparently Magnetis Polus Australis is an excellent treatment for ingrown toenails.

While the choice of medication itself is quaintly 19th century, its method of preparation is equally nonsensical. Hahnemann, obviously aware of the toxic nature of many of his remedies, proposed that they should be used as dilutions and came up with the strange notions of “potentisation” and “succussion”.

This process of “potentisation” entails a system of serial dilutions until there is no possible active ingredient left, with each dilution followed by a vigorous shake, the “succussion”. For this purpose, Hahnemann used a test-tube which he thumped against a heavy, leather-bound Bible.

This supposedly enabled the active ingredient to imprint itself on the substrate which is usually water. Apparently, the trick was in the thump. Hahnemann believed that this process activated the “vital energy” of the diluted substance and lo, he called these flavoured holy waters, remedies.

Now, this nonsense should long ago have been relegated to the rubbish heap of superstitious, infantile thinking but surprisingly it has not. In fact, vast amounts of time and money have been spent training homeopathic practitioners, making and selling homeopathic remedies and even researching the effect of this treatment.

In 2005, Shang et al published a comparative analysis of conventional and homeopathic placebo controlled trials in The Lancet*. This study, which included 110 homeopathic clinical trails, concluded that “there was weak evidence for a specific effect of homeopathic remedies, but strong evidence for specific effects of conventional interventions”.

The authors went on further to explain that: “This finding is compatible with the notion that the clinical effects of homeopathy are placebo effects.” This result is not surprising but what is astounding is that these trials were done in the first place. Next, we will be researching whether fairy dust can enable flight in humans or if garlic actually does repel vampires.

But the homeopaths are undeterred. The South African Faculty of Homeopathy offers a post-graduate diploma course in homeopathy for medical doctors and the Homeopathic Association of South Africa lists more than 190 practitioners on its website*. And while every goblin, elf and dwarf may rejoice that humans have taken the trouble to complete the DFHom.SA diploma in order to treat the inhabitants of Middle Earth, considering the paucity of hobbit shires in South Africa and the number of registered homeopaths, we can only be left with a sneaking suspicion that these “doctors” are also surreptitiously treating humans.

But why would humans take hobbit medicine? The answer to this question is complex and must wait until another time. However it should be noted that homeopathy is an ideal practice for hypochondriacs. It is preoccupied with the details of symptoms, with the nature, consistency and colour of secretions, with snoring patterns, moods, fleeting pains and multiple obscure symptoms. And so, the homeopaths and their hypochondriacal patients can keep each other busy indefinitely, curing imaginary ailments with imaginary medicines.

*Shang A, Huwiler-Müntener K, Nartey L, Jüni P, Dörig S, Sterne JA, Pewsner D, Egger M. Are the clinical effects of homoeopathy placebo effects? Comparative study of placebo-controlled trials of homoeopathy and allopathy. Lancet (2005) Aug 27-Sep 2;366(9487):726-32.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16125589

*Homeopathic Association of South Africa: http://www.hsa.org.za

Richard Kaplan is a medical doctor working in the field of HIV/Aids. He has developed a strong strain of resistance, bordering on antipathy, to politicians and poseurs, whatever their hue.