Welcome everyone. Here at The Pollsmoor & Blatter we pride ourselves on a five-star rating for excellence as depicted in the movie Vyfster available on the movie channel, channel 4, on the in-house entertainment bouquet.

Please leave all your personal belongings at the front desk and follow the concierge for personalised his and his bathroom robes and matching towels. Members serving life may proceed to the penthouse.

Lights out is nine thirty, give or take, after which tablets and mobile devices may be used for browsing in bed. The Wi-Fi code is JOY — that’s spelled J-O-Y — on the network The Pollsmoor or Pollsmoor Guest. Both work.

Data is available going for one carton of cigarettes per gig, payable at the front desk or your nearest warden. They’re everywhere so just grab one.

All rooms are en suite with a balcony opening onto our exclusive Fire Pool area which is basically a pool with a braai.

We’re rolling out new security upgrades that should be available for use within the next half hour. Those include a tattoo parlour, indoor courtyard gym, free counselling, a stress-relief day spa and anti-virus software, although I’d like to mention that we sort of frown on illegal downloading.

VIP guests Sepp Blatter, Danny “Diaspora” Jordaan and Jack Warner will be joining us soon. Bribes exceeding a carton of cigarettes will be payable to them.

We’re extremely happy to have you. Welcome to The Pollsmoor & Blatter, as I said earlier, enjoy your stay; we hope and expect to see you again soon.


Hansie Smit

Hansie Smit

Hansie Smit is a self-employed writer. He spends a lot of time in coffee shops tapping into free wi-fi making sure he buys a bran muffin every time to ease the inevitable guilt he feels getting something...

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