The chief with Taiwanese blood and politainment

One of the reasons I have steadfastly steered clear of writing about politics (if you ignore my alarming ignorance on politics) is because I find politics excruciatingly boring. I’d rather spend eighteen hours a day picking prickly pears without gloves than spend fifteen minutes watching that insomnia-busting nothingness called Parliament Live featuring a riveting debate between the exciting Isaac Mogase (who?) and the effervescent Sandra Botha.

Since politicians are pretty useless at doing anything that is remotely useful to the populace (read: me), I have argued strongly in the past that perhaps celebrities such as the cast of Isidingo should enter politics and at least entertain us a little bit. How much money would you pay to go to stand in the sun at Orlando Stadium and be addressed by Papa G, the premier of Gauteng instead of freaking Mbhazima? I know I’d part with my monthly beer stipend.

It is for this reason that Inkosi Mangosuthu Buthelezi is pound-for-pound my favourite South African politician of all time. Each time I catch a snippet of the upcoming news and they tell us he is in the news, I put down my car keys and my pub-crawling gear and pay attention. You know something is about to happen. I remember flipping through the channels and seeing former SABC presenter, Xolani Gwala, trying to interview the irascible Chief on the ‘Asikhulume’ talk show. The conversation went something like;

Xolani: Shenge, is there a leadership crisis in the IFP?

Shenge: Is there a crisis, Xolani?

Xolani: Er…well, that is the question I’m putting to you sir.

Shenge: Oh, you’re asking me? I thought you were here to tell me. Aren’t you the one who’s been bringing so-called ‘experts’ into this very studio who have crystal balls so powerful they go inside my mind and tell me what I’m thinking? [Sic]

I immediately put to rest any silly notions of watching the end of the Man Utd – Chelsea game and sat myself down to watch the best entertainment on TV. So this weekend when my wife pointed out to me that she had seen footage of Inkosi Buthelezi confronting some fat politician dude in an earlier bulletin, I called a hospitalized friend and gave some excuse for why I couldn’t come over during visiting hours. I poured myself a double bourbon and waited for the news. Good times were upon us all. I call Shenge on TV politainment.

In the event that you were wasting your time volunteering in an old age home or toyi–toying over food prices and you missed it, Inkosi Buthelezi publicly threatened KZN MEC for Local Government, Mike Mabuyakhulu with an ass-whuppin of galactic proportions at a Freedom Day event near Mandeni on KZN’s north coast – http://www.iol.co.za/widgets/rss_redirect.php?artid=vn20080428064124146C779709&setid=1&sectid=13&url=iol&vne=0&csect=South+Africa Not only that, he almost back-handed another MEC, Mtholephi Mthimkhulu on the lips. They showed footage of Buthelezi following Mabuyakhulu around almost stabbing him in the eye with his finger while the other hand, with the ever-present staff, was cocked as if to say, ‘Oh how I wish you would say something out of turn.’ I was on the edge of my seat. If you have been following the Chief’s political career, you will remember how he once donnered (or not) one Prince Sifiso Zulu on TV. So when I saw that on the telly this weekend, I started cheering him on; ‘Come on! Kick him in the groin!’

Alas, Mabuyakhulu wasn’t biting. In fact, he was slinking away from the impending beatdown ever so slowly with each passing second of the altercation while Buthelezi followed him around menacingly. I was left with the same feeling I have experienced when my nocturnal exertions have failed to yield the explosive natural ending. (Don’t judge me; I’ve worked in high-pressure jobs.) Still, this incident was still a marked improvement on listening to Minister Stofile deliver yet another speech in that monotone.

But man, Inkosi Buthelezi has been a thrill-a-minute politician since retiring from his peace-mongering ways during the Natal Midlands wars. He is becoming particularly testy in his old age. You can tell that this is a man who quite frankly cannot stand the aggravation. And I don’t blame him, what with the hours he has to spend listening to all that hot air from action–less fat guys in suits. Honestly, if I was going to become an octogenarian in a few months, I’d be pretty petulant too.

But this has made me think about this whole politics versus politainment thing. Am I the only one who thinks that the least our freaking politicians can do is follow the Taiwanese model and get involved in massive brawls in parliament? Now that’s what I call politainment. I mean, what the &*^% are we paying taxes for? There is less and less road on our miles of potholes, we live in the dark like cavemen, thousands of kids go to bed on empty stomachs and so on.

Wouldn’t you feel that your taxes were working for you if Zille stood up to speak out of turn and Baleka Mbete started banging the table with that thingamajackhammer, shouting ‘Order! Order!’ and Zille sommer ignored her and gave her the finger? Wouldn’t you fork out another 5% on your PAYE if Mbete was allowed to walk over to her, yank at her hair until they tumbled to the ground, sat on her chest and started bitch-slapping her? No? Okay, let’s up the stakes.

I bet you wouldn’t mind paying 35% personal tax if you knew that JZ could just start belting out that song while Mbeki was in the middle of his state of the nation address. You’d probably throw in another two percentage points into the mix if Mbeki leapt over that pulpit thingy, ran in slow motion sequence over to Zuma, jumped into the air, suspended himself mid-air like Neo in ‘The Matrix’ and then roundhouse kicked him in the jaw. You know this sequence has been Mbeki’s fantasy for years now.

This is the type of stuff I’d PVR and wait for a depressing event such as Ajax Cape Town winning the PSL title. Then I’d switch over to Mbeki Chuck-Norrising JZ in the jaw and giggle myself silly. Come on; admit it. If you’re anything like me you’d probably cede your entire pay check to Manuel and only ask him to leave you beer money to have this system of government. Watching Patricia de Lille open a can of whup-ass on Manto live on national TV is something that would personally make me forget about the arms deal. And we don’t have to worry about precedent here. Our deputy minister of justice, Johnny de Lange, once sucker-punched some Nat dinosaur on TV mid-sentence.

Am I the only one who thinks all politicians should follow the lead of their elder statesmen such as the chief from Ulundi with Taiwanese blood? Who’s with me? Let’s get some politainment for a change.

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