The boneheaded prince and the gutter press

According to Prince Harry, his experience as a forward air controller (FAC) giving the final clearance to the aircraft dropping bombs on Helmand province has made him realise that “this is about as normal as I’m ever going to get”.

“Cornet Wales”, whom the Guardian showed wearing a baseball cap with the Stars and Stripes on the front and the slogan “We do bad things to bad people” on the back, has been hailed as a hero by the Ministry of Defence’s (MoD) spokespeople — the British press.

Last September, all the major broadcast and newspaper executives met at the request of the MoD and agreed to a voluntary news blackout in exchange for embedded access. This included the Guardian and the Independent, who believed that by agreeing to this self-censorship they were protecting the safety of the third in line to the throne.

What a load of bunk: if his presence six miles from the front line endangered himself and, more importantly, his fellow combatants, then he should not have been allowed to go. End of story! There was no necessity for him to be deployed; unless, of course, there weren’t any other FACs among the 107 730 regular members of the British Army?

The only logical reason why the top brass conspired to protect their royal charge was that his deployment made for nothing else but good old-fashioned propaganda or, as the Sun reported it, “Harry in Afghanistan — One of our boys — Frontline prince kills 30 Taliban”.

Yes, we’ll be treated for days to the bonhomie of his derring-do against “Terri Taliban” while taking time out for some moto-cross and rugger in the desert. And for those of a fairer persuasion? Well, there’s the Daily Telegraph‘s tear-jerking account of Harry receiving a “bluey” (a letter) from William telling him that his mother, the Princess of Wales, “would have been proud of him”. Or perhaps they might be interested in the opinion of the Guardian‘s deputy fashion editor who notes vis-à-vis his wristband that “the thin orange strap does not work on Harry’s surprisingly masculine, unsurprisingly ginger arm”.

Ah, wish you were here! After six-and-a-half years we’re winning the war, you know? It’s a long way to Tipperary but Afghanistan is so much better now since liberation. The beastly burka’s a thing of the past. Absolutely no one’s growing poppies any more. And don’t worry, we’ll sort out that mess in Pakistan too. You can count on us.

Though, to be fair, Harry of Helmand said none of these high-minded things. Back home in Blighty, upset that “there’s always someone out there [in this case the blog that blew his cover] who is willing to ruin the party”, the noble prince remarked: “As far as I’m concerned, it was mission successful because at the end of the day the main crux of it was to lead a troop.”