The alpha male shouldn't have to ask permission for sex

“Sue, may I slide my fingers over your crotch? May I squeeze your bum? Rip off your panties?” These are questions men do not ask, and should not ask, as women prefer the alpha male who displays confidence, authority, boldness to go where no one has gone before without asking direct permission … or rather where the chosen few have been “allowed” to go before. I have been told this several times by women. It is nerdy to ask, I am told. So wuss. It is masculine to seduce, get tacit consent and start feeling her all over without asking and let her do the same.

But somehow, it is not as simple as that, hey? What the man is doing can easily be perceived as sexual violation, rape. My first paragraph may have offended some women already. Instead of feeling offended, let’s talk about sex and seduction, for God’s sake. Most people like sex one helluva lot, so let’s talk. Let’s all ask ourselves: since when have you had consensual sex where the man or the woman asks the questions posed at the beginning of this blog? (Once a woman was obviously about to give me fellatio and asked what was to me a dumb question: “May I??” Good grief, is the Dalai Lama a Buddhist? Do dogs bark??) The consent to have sex is triggered through body language, light squeezes of the other’s hand, a searching kiss followed by another and then the exploring, hopeful tongue in the other’s mouth, hands starting to stray over the other’s body. That is how either sex finds out whether he or she may proceed. And please, God no, I am not writing as a sex doctor. I am interested in discussing with you when does sex become rape. Because sex can really be a confusing area.

I have never even contemplated rape, am unable to, and do not understand rape. I fear being raped and cannot think of a greater violation to my body. How does a man “get it up” when he is forcing a woman, hurting her, violating her? Apparently a lot of rapists do not get erections according to writers like Charlene Smith. Which causes the rapist to abuse their victim even more because they feel – forgive the pun – belittled and therefore are enraged, ashamed. To me part of the satisfying arousal and the climaxing is that she is aroused and very willing to proceed. She absolutely desires me. Wow oh wow.

However, what I do understand is confusing and confused sex signals. Here’s an example from my university days. Let’s call her Arlene. After a wonderful date we were walking under the stars through the trees. We kissed. I initiated the kiss, feeling incredibly shy, heart pounding. Arlene responded warmly, pressing her body against mine. Especially oh my dear God, her pelvis shoved against mine. After several kisses, her body still firmly pressed against mine, I felt I had permission to touch her breasts and behind, and boy I did. Quite a bit. I was as horny as hell and felt I might come in my pants. (Yes, this is an honest blog.) But I sensed she did not want to take it further because she slowed down and backed off a little. Disappointed as hell, I backed off too. We walked back to her residence on campus in silence. We still held hands. But Arlene declined the next date – notice how it is usually the man who is expected to take initiative in wooing and seduction – and, well, that was it. Certainly I felt I had done the right thing by gently (I think) trying to seduce her, then backing off … only to find out months later that Arlene was shocked with me for touching her vagina and squeezing her breasts and so forth. Even afraid. (Suddenly I realised why I was quietly ostracised by her girlfriends though Arlene continued to be friendly, but slightly distant in lecture theatres and when we bumped into each other on campus.) I felt shame, guilt and remorse. But the most important feeling applies to this article: I felt utter bewilderment and uncertain as to how to proceed the next time. And my urges absolutely wanted a next time. I was having a lot of sex; but now I wanted to have it with someone else, not just myself. And on the rape debate, is it not at least slightly feasible in my case with Arlene I could have been criminally charged with physical assault? Attempted rape? How often has that happened? In terms of Arlene’s social circle, those crimes are what I was charged with.

Yes, sex can be a confusing area. And those hormones and urges just do not go away. Nowhere at school or university were we taught how to proceed, how to seduce, how to talk about sex. We just wing it. And sometimes screw up badly without intending to, as with me and Arlene. As a teenager I grew up with the most unbelievably horny feelings and teenage girls often caught me looking at them, never mind friends’ extremely attractive mothers. God, the latter was particularly embarrassing.

To be honest, as an adult, the times where I had mutual, consensual, wonderful sex was when the woman, after a while, became more “brazen”. Lightly brushing my crotch under the restaurant table or sticking her toes between my thighs, squeezing my bum on the dance floor, or just the sudden, deeply meaningful kiss out of the blue. That sort of wonderfully shocking thing that certainly told me I probably had green lights all the way. Indeed, she was being an alpha female. Or she would just tell me she wanted sex in a euphemistic way: “We need to take this further. Where should we go?” (Bingo!) At which point, once we got into a private place, I never felt the need to ask permission to touch whatever I wanted and nor did she. A different language takes over. Touch is a form of communication that I still do not think we hold as sacred enough. I often touch Marion, stroke her, pat her bum, give her a hug or kiss out of the blue. She loves it.

The touching involved in sex silences us. No one, as a rule, wants to have a conversation while having sex. The act is too passionate, often very meaningful and chatter about the day at the office would just get in the way. But we still need to formulate a language where people can talk more openly about sex. Rape is an ugly thing, but at least the recent deluge of columns about rape has got us all talking about sex and civil conduct in sexual matters. It has got us to discuss if there is a fine line between rape and sex, or is there a deep boundary between the two. Hell, we need to keep talking about sex.