The African Future Times: Giving you tomorrow's news today

Submitted by Angry African

They say that America is ahead of the times. So I travelled there to see if I can get an insight into our African future. This is what I can report will happen in Africa over the next few weeks. It makes planning a bit easier.

Parliament goes green
The South African Parliament has joined the latest craze by going all green. Myka Nosence, Parliament’s director of communications, said that new technology will allow Parliament to be completely carbon neutral. She continued: “We need to show the world that our commitment to the environment is as strong as our commitment to democracy in Zimbabwe.” A collective roll of the eyes could be seen among all journalists who attended.

The technology was developed by a new agency, Science and Technology to Undermine Political and International Depression (Stupid), established by the Ministry of Science and Technology. The technology developed by Stupid will use wind power to drive the electricity needs of the whole of Parliament. It will convert hot air into electricity. Emsie Skwêr, chief scientist at Stupid, said that “converting the hot air created by Parliament will have the added advantage of reducing global warming”.

Stupid is also planning to provide some of the energy to local communities around Parliament, as Parliament only needs electricity for four days a year. This is the total amount of time that parliamentarians actually attend Parliament. Ms Skwêr said that Parliament creates enough hot air in these four days to provide the surrounding communities with all the energy they need for at least a year.

President Mbeki hospitalised
South African President Mbeki has been taken to hospital for urgent lip surgery. Presidential spokesperson Gota Noklu said that Mbeki developed a serious infection after kissing the asses of both President Robert Mugabe from Zimbabwe and President Omar al-Bashir from Sudan in “such a very short period of time”. Noklu said that it is serious as the president can lose the use of his lips and that he will not be kissing any more asses until fully healed.

In an unrelated development, there were general celebrations in the streets all over South Africa with slogans such as “Read my lips — no more Bekkie” and “From your lips to Bob’s butt”. Celebrations quietened down when people were told that Mbeki might still be able to lip-read and blow kisses.

In a separate political health update, All Most Health or Care hospital announced that operations on Jacob Zuma and Helen Zille went without a hitch. Known as the ZZ-Top operations, Zuma successfully had a brain implant and Zille a personality transplant. Dr Ai Kutya said that it was unfortunate that Marthinus van Schalkwyk was not as lucky — his recent backbone transplant and morals implant were both rejected.

Democratic Alliance changes name
The official opposition in South Africa, the Democratic Alliance, has announced a name change that it hopes will enable it to be more competitive in the next general election. Ima Pafetik, chief strategist, said that the new name will ensure that the Democratic Alliance will be ready to move from being the opposition party to a real contender for the top prize.

The party will from now on be known as A New Clown: Citizens Opposing Should Always Try Us (ANC-Cosatu). Helen Zille, who will hold the position of chief clown in the new party, denied that the DA is trying to create confusion among ANC and Cosatu members. She said: “I find that a typical ANC type of question. The DA has had a long-standing principle of opposing each and everything anyone else stands for. The new name is just us being true to our roots.”

In a separate development, the Independent Democrats has been renamed the For U Can Know Every Democrat. Spokesperson Weiris da Woud was not available for comment. Neighbours said he was at a mass ID rally held in Gatkantwortelsdraai as the town gives ID supporters 10% discount and a meeting room. The town can hold six visitors at a time.

New UN study finds Nigeria to be least corrupt
The UN has released its latest study on the state of the world economy. The yearly report analyses the latest global development challenges and this year focuses on the general health of the world economy. The 2008 report is titled International Trade: Society Under Constant Knowledge and Economic Depression (IT-Sucked). Apparently the global economy is not doing well.

In a surprise development, Nigeria was ranked first out of 205 countries as the least corrupt country in the world. It was ranked at number 205 in 2007. Nigerian President Umaru Yar’Adua, not a soccer player, said that it is proof that Nigeria “is the best country in the world”. Commentators noted that he wasn’t as eloquent as ex-president Obasanjo.

In an unrelated story, the UN Research and Empirical Agency for Learning (UN-Real) was caught in an oil-for-food oh-the-fool controversy. The agency was researching the state of the world economy when it allegedly accepted bribes to influence the research findings. The agency was alerted to irregularities when it noticed that the Nigerian section included too many unscientific statements such as “wow”, “awesome”, “best ever”, “gnarly” and “wickedly cool”. The intern who wrote the piece, a surfer from South Africa, has been suspended until further notice.

Mugabe says he is sorry
From the official Zimbabwean government-controlled news agency the Zimbabwean Information Panel and Intelligence Trust (ZIP-IT): President Robert Mugabe today said that he was sorry. It wasn’t clear what he was sorry about, but is it newsworthy that he said it in any case. We think it was because he forgot to water the plants.

Zimbabwean economy on a sharp upturn
The Zimbabwean economy has bounced back strongly after months of sharp decline. All economic indicators show sharp upturns — the Zimbabwean dollar has strengthened dramatically, inflation has dropped sharply, more jobs have been created than before, shares are up, the housing market has strengthened, consumer confidence has increased and bankruptcies have dropped dramatically. State-controlled media praised the new economic strategy of President Mugabe as the key reason for the sudden turnaround.

Mugabe’s economic plan, the New Order: Social and Economic Narrative for Stupidity Epitomised (No Sense) is based on a very simple principle. Turn the tables. Literally — turn the tables. Graphics that previously showed a downturn will now only be shown upside down — making everything look so much better. Instead of something going down, the new graphic version will show it going up. The “up” side will be towards zero and negatives, but at least it is showing an “increase”.

Economists from the World Trade Foundation (WTF) are still trying to figure this one out.

Libya declares historic elections
Libya shocked the world today when it announced the first multiparty democratic elections to be held there in centuries, if not forever. Brother Leader and Guide of the Revolution Moammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi (sometimes just known as Da Prez) made the announcement during the Mass Games glorifying his life as the leader of the Great Socialist People’s Libyan Arab Jamahiriya. It was attended by his 100 000 most fearful loyal subjects. The elections will be contested by three parties — or, as Brother Leader and Guide of the Revolution Moammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi said: “One more than the Americans.” It is unclear whether he was aware of the Libertarians and the Green Party. Or if Americans are aware of these two parties.

The three parties to contest the elections are the Socialist People’s Arab Party, the Arab People’s Socialist Party and the People’s Socialist Arab Party. Together they will be known as the Three Socially Trivial Organisations of Generally Exploited Societies (or the 3 Stooges). All Libyans will have the option to vote for any of the three parties. They also have the option to not vote. And they get a free prison sentence with option two.

In a move that Brother Leader and Guide of the Revolution Moammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi called “a major leap forward in the evolution of democracy”, a minor deviation from traditional democracies will be part and parcel of the Libyan democratic elections. All three parties will be represented by the same people. Each party will receive the same list of people from the Future Accreditation and Representation Team (Fart). The parties can decide where they put them on their electoral list, as long as they put them in the same order provided by Fart. They can change the header. Almost. As long as it is the same header as provided by Fart.

Brother Leader and Guide of the Revolution Moammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi also announced that he will from now on be known as the Eternal President and Über Big Dick. The word “damn” could be heard right after he made this announcement. Followed by a scream and running feet.

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