Stars in their own eyes

It must be tiresome being an English national soccer team supporter. I mean, it’s tough supporting our own Bafana, but at least we have come to accept our limitations on the world stage.

But imagine having the richest league in the world — though a little over populated by foreigners admittedly — the best feeder leagues in the world and the best paid players in the world.

Remember that, despite the vast imported talent on display, the best English players are still pivotal in their respective clubs. Lampard plunders in the goals for Chelsea, while Terry keeps them out at the back. Rooney is a menace for United, while Rio Ferdinand is cool cat personified at the back. Gerrard — before the arrival of one El Nino on Merseyside — was like a one-man wrecking ball charged with bringing glory back to the Kop.

But then they don the three lions and they all turn into stumbling pussycats. Vastly paid, vastly idolised and, alas, vastly over-hyped let-downs. England’s international failings read like a veritable ‘how best to choke manual’. World Cup ‘02 – quarter-choke. Euro ’04- quarter-choke. World Cup ’06- quarter-choke!

At least they decided to have a full holiday and save themselves, and their fans, the agony of another choking display at Euro ’08. Wednesday’s display against an admittedly good Czech Republic was another display of ineptness.

And comedy. Before kickoff, I thought the funniest thing about David James would be his hair. How wrong I was, as ol’ Calamity returned in style to produce a performance that made his hair look very prim and proper. Even he had to laugh at himself by the end.

I doubt that it is a lack of care either. I mean, surely these professionals are tired of embarrassing their country by now. As Joey Barton — he of McDonald’s brawls and cigar in eye stubbings — so eloquently put it after the failure at the 2006 World Cup: “Look at me. I played in a World Cup quarter-final and now I am writing a book!” The likes of Gerrard, Rooney and Rio, who had all penned premature autobiographies, did not take kindly to that blunt assessment. But it’s fairly accurate.

I think the last few years have been a consistent testament to the fact that they are just not good enough. England, the team is not a world-beater. The aforementioned ‘stars’ thrive at their clubs because the systems there are designed to suit their style. Lampard rampages forward at Stamford Bridge, knowing that Makelele — when he was there — and now Essien will mop up behind him. Rooney’s slick tricks are supplemented at United by the slick football brain of Tevez and the dazzling feet of Ronaldo.

So their weekly displays give a false sense of hope. Hope that when the national squad comes together, they will miraculously gel into this galactic star laden unit that will get goals from midfield, swift service from the flanks and a brave, uncompromising defence. As we have seen over the last few years, that has been rather ambitious.

So it will be a job very well done if ‘Ingerlaaaand’ goes through their tough qualifying group, and makes it to ‘Africa’, as John Terry called these parts the other day. And when they do make it, we can all look forward to another momentous bout of quarter-choke-osis.