Sour grapes: PdV sacked for causing poker brawl

Breaking news: Peter de Villiers, the Springbok coach, will at the conclusion of the Springbok’s end-of-year tour to Europe, vacate his position as the No 1 brain with the world champions. Rumours have surfaced, via a high-level source, that De Villiers finally went too far and bluntly put, pissed off his bosses real good.

Many were wildly calling for De Villiers’ head after a less than distinctive Tri-Nations campaign, though the man himself, like John Gotti aka “The Teflon Don”, seemed impervious to any form of public smearing. However eye witnesses, from the vantage point of the beer factory across Boundary Road, saw the now former coach ushered away from SA Rugby Union headquarters this afternoon in a rented car. All Springbok coaches are given a courtesy car and like Messrs Viljoen, Strauli and White before him, De Villiers used it whenever on official business. Whether it meant dealing with players or his employers, if it was Bokke, it was Bok mobile. Or in this case, a Springbok Green Toyota Hilux.

However on the day in question, De Villiers was seen leaving the Sports Science Institute in Newlands in a rented maroon Audi.

A high-level source within Saru stated, on the grounds of anonymity, that De Villiers was indeed scheduled to meet Saru’s Playing Affairs Committee that day but the subject of the meeting was kept under wraps. The end of the De Villiers era was brought about not through politically incorrect media statements or team performance, but through winning the annual and highly secretive Saru Poker Tournament.

Every year, at a different venue, the 14 provincial unions, Saru, and the national team players and managers each select their top three poker players (known at the tables as the “loose trio”) to represent their region to do battle with the rest of rugby’s top brass. While it isn’t unheard of for the national teams to win the title, which they last won through a Harry Viljoen-inspired comeback against “The President’s Men” (Saru’s 2^nd team), it was the manner in which De Villiers won which earned him the scorn of his colleagues.

Good etiquette at a poker table isn’t about making fun of your opponents in a way that insults them, or acting like a dickhead when you take a pot. Rather it is like cricket, a discipline that is all in the mind, with a bit of Steve Waugh’s mental disintegrating banter thrown in for effect. De Villiers was the last man standing for the national teams. Paul Treu had to be rushed to hospital after literally choking on sausage while explaining space ratios in Sevens to Rassie Erasmus before the tournament had even began.

That left only Dick Muir and like last year, Dick just couldn’t win a pot. Against terrible odds, De Villiers fought back from the brink to overhaul first John Mitchell, who was playing a style that baffled many of his South African colleagues. Then John Plumtree and Heyneke Meyer followed. Allister Coetzee had feasted on Frans Ludeke, the initial chip leader, and led De Villiers six to one in chips as they met in the final two. Through De Villiers’ player-driven system, where he let the cards do the talking, Coetzee was faced with a man who had nothing to lose. The Western Province supremo had done nothing too flash in becoming chip leader, but faced with De Villiers’ unorthodox tactics, the Grahamstown-born former Springbok assistant coach and media nice guy cracked.

Upon realising that he had won, De Villiers promptly stood on the table and is said to have shouted “I am a God-given talent”. But in doing so, he knocked over Andre Watson’s wine (he was the tournament director) which proceeded to go all over Os du Randt’s (he managed security) prized leather shoes, said to have been worn by the first ever loosehead prop to have roamed the Free State Highveld.

Du Randt politely asked for an apology from De Villiers, still on the table. He then climbed back down and shook hands with the burly former prop, and apologised like he was a victim of a war crime. After the initial shock of De Villiers’ antics, the room went quiet but as Du Randt turned around to get a cloth, he slipped and fell upon his old front-row buddy Naka Drotske. The Cheetahs coach subsequently toppled over upon the antique table brought over from England by Paul Roos’s Springbok side.

The table was worth several million pounds and even more so in sentimental value by the tournament participants. Every champion had been crowned at that table, and now De Villiers had indirectly attributed to its demise. Chaos broke loose and, while Maria Ramos (representing the sponsors) attempted to make a grab for some of the prize money with no one looking, scuffles broke out between the different teams who had all been spectator to what had just happened. After a short brawl, calm descended when John Smit, who had been in the bathroom during this time, calmed everyone down.

After a short pause, a discussion took place between the most senior-ranked officials and Watson, who had by now dragged out the 78-year-old “Book of the Game”. After consulting the rules and each other, it was decided that De Villiers was forever expelled from the poker tournament, and as tradition would have it, no serving Springbok coach had ever been barred from the tournament. As such, and considering the value of the table and how much De Villiers had acted like a dickhead, it was decided that it would just be easier to sack him and make the whole mess go away.

De Villiers, when he heard of this, was upset at such a betrayal and, only after speaking to Smit, decided to meet the Saru brass when next appropriate to arrange a severance package. De Villiers, while an often misunderstood figure, always honoured his word, though sometimes his length of rope was a bit different from that of his employers. Such a misunderstanding would eventually lead to his demise.

PLEASE NOTE: ALL OF THE ABOVE IS FICTITIOUS