Sex 101: Lather, rinse, repeat

By Michael Baillie

Dolly was her name. Smallish frame, petite bust, and tiny blue eyes that really lit up if you did it just right. She usually did it on the floor, man-on-top, and, like I said, shed really light up if you just stuck by the book: keep you arms straight, 12 deep pushes and then two deep breaths. Keep an eye on her breathing, and tilt her head back by gently pushing her chin with your thumbs. Simple. And it always worked.

Dolly is a dummy. She’s one of those mannequin-type dolls, and thanks to her I have a basic first-aid qualification. I practised CPR on poor Dolly, learning just how many compressions to make, and how many breaths to give. It was all about following a pattern: doing A, then B, and finishing up with C. Lather, rinse, repeat that sort of thing. And like I said, if you got your technique just right, her eyes would light up and you’d know you had hit the spot.

And this is exactly how many men’s magazines tackle the topic of sex. The headline is usually something along the lines of “ignite her fire in just three steps” or “unlock her now we have the code”. Great, so either women are a Saturday afternoon braaivleis just waiting to be lit up or they’re one of those rusty combination locks. Either way men’s mags supposedly have women and sex all figured out and the answer is usually really simple, based on the latest findings and can be summed up in a nifty little acronym. Not to mention that one size fits all.

The problem with these articles is that they downplay the exquisite complexity of good sex. They reduce it to a basic algorithm that a man can whip out whenever he comes across a poor confused woman in need of servicing. Like a massive horizontal line dance, Kobus Casanovas all over the country are grooving to the same moves just waiting for Dolly to light up.

Only she won’t because not all Dollys are the same and that’s why comparing a woman to a combination lock is bound to end in tedium. Unlike CPR on a mannequin, having sex is more than a bunch of moves strung together. There are many factors that enter the equation not least of which is that having sex (usually) involves people, and people have individual tastes and respond to different things differently.

And that’s a good thing. How boring if everyone responded to the same things in the same way. Oh sure there’d be multiple “ohs” and all the rest, but how boring it would all be. Every time exactly the same and each time the same result. Having sex with Dolly exactly the same as having sex with Darla or Debbie. There would be no need for exploration, and no means of innovation. There would be no personality in sex and yet it’s the personality that makes for good sex! I’m not necessarily talking about a trick or a particular move that you’ve mastered, a tongue twister to make her tingle. Rather it’s about your approach to sex, about how you engage with you partner and how you interact and respond to each other.

It’s this engagement factor that quick-fix sex techniques seem to miss out on. They are so busy trying to pin down the best technique that they miss the simple fact that people are individuals, and that simple one-size-fits-all solutions won’t cut it. Sure, I think their hearts are in the right places trying to please her is a vast improvement on the days of brace yourself Dolly, this’ll be brief but it’s time we realise that women are not necessarily light switches just waiting to be flicked.

And I guess that’s what I find most amusing about sex articles in men’s magazines. While one is telling you how to make her squirm, the next is puzzling over how each woman can be so different as if they really believe that all women will respond to the same thing. While the first article tells him how to make her “oh”, the second is consoling him when it doesn’t work. And each failed attempt is taken as further indication that more research is required into decoding the female species, cue the men in lab coats.

So what’s the answer? Well, while I’m no sexologist, I think the key is to have sex, as in, make it your own. Explore, sit up, and feel your way around. Take responsibility for your own sex and discover its personality. Surely sex is more than a case of lick here then touch there, and rather we should be thinking of it as a process and something developed with practice. It takes time to learn how ones body responds and what gets someone fired up and learning what works is part of the fun. By all means take the hints and tricks found in men’s mags and incorporate them into your repertoire the way one reuses a funny joke. But just as a single joke doesn’t make up for a poor sense of humour, nor does a set of routine ABCs make for good sex.

Michael Baillie, 25, is a recent graduate working his first job in the media industry. He has good sex — and wants you to have the same (though not with him).