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Season finale — United States of Gullible

We open on a triumphant Saturday night White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Our hero, Barack Obama, trumps a toupee sitting in the audience with a birth certificate all the way from Hawaii. The toupee accused Obama of being non-American so we start the dinner with clips from Karate Kid and Hulk Hogan’s Real American song playing throughout. Michael Jordan dunks and the Yankees run onto the field. All-American classics celebrating another all-American classic now vindicated with a piece of paper from the Pacific.

Our hero/comedian-in-chief then rips into the toupee making jokes about The Apprentice and referencing the moon landing (episode 5, season 21) and Roswell (episode 10, season 9). He’s followed by Seth Meyers who continues shredding the toupee much to the delight of the correspondents who leave the dinner feeling almost as good as they did that night in ’08 when Obama was first elected.

Sunday morning’s headlines read “A night to remember for the president” and “Obama kills at the White House”. There is a sense of a victory but it’s felt by Democrats only. To get the whole nation in cheerful spring mood we need our hero to kill beyond the White House. We need him to take out the one man his predecessor could not and lay to rest a character we’ve come to love over the years.

Cut to a surprise Sunday night White House address announcing the death of Osama bin Laden. Osama’s been with us for almost a decade now and well done to the team coming up with a character blessed with enough intrigue and mystery to last so long. Who will forget the scenes of him walking along rocky pathways in the Pakistani Wild West? The countless YouTube videos filmed in the cinematic confines of Afghanistan caves?

For his last hoorah we take Osama out of the dirty caves and put him in an upscale summer resort 100km north of Islamabad — simply stunning this time of year. Besides, it’s the 21st century — no one lives in caves any more. Four helicopters swoop in and kill him, his son and other adults. It’s important not to kill too many women and children to avoid clouding the issue.

The finale ends with a nation celebrating the death of one man. From Time Square to Ground Zero they wave the Star-Spangled Banner soaking up the moment like it’s the end of World War II. Cue music on a shot of Obama with his hands in the air, cut to George Bush saying “gotcha!” credits roll.

That brings to a close a very eventful season 49 and we’re left with a blank canvas for the next one. As a method actor/terrorist go-to-man Osama will be missed but the show must go on. I especially liked the beard and his soft puppy eyes but the fact is our audience need something new, fresher perhaps even younger. Beards, caves and the Middle East are out. Africa, revolution and goatees are in. Perhaps the next guy can hail from a tropical jungle with ties to Somali pirates and Libya’s oil but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The next villain will only be introduced late in season 50 and before then we have an election to deal with, numerous school shootings and a toupee on the comeback trail.

Author

  • Hansie Smit is a self-employed writer. He spends a lot of time in coffee shops tapping into free wi-fi making sure he buys a bran muffin every time to ease the inevitable guilt he feels getting something for free. Hansie received a Diploma in Copywriting from the prestigious AAA School of Advertising in Cape Town. He often picks up spelling mistakes in brand communication taking time out of his day to write to said brand to point it out. He does this free of charge. He's won a Silver Pendoring and almost won a Loerie. For more of his stunning insight and weighted opinion, visit his website at www.freehance.co.za or follow him on Twitter @freehance

7 Comments

  1. Lucky Ntuli Lucky Ntuli 3 May 2011

    So,

    Who wants to send in their applications for the next show, “Do you think you can Jihad?” :)

  2. Judith Judith 3 May 2011

    It does all look rather ridiculous. Somehow US politics are pathetic and that is worrying

  3. brent brent 3 May 2011

    With me it reached the all time low when Palin was nominated for VP candidate and Anchorage was invaded by over 350 media reps digging all ‘her dirt’, not one bothering to write even one line of what she stood for. How can the Dems cry foul over trivia regarding birth certificates when the above was all their making. Since then US politics has sunk lower, if that is possible.

    Brent

  4. LS LS 4 May 2011

    Great post. Very Funny. Thanks.

  5. Benzol Benzol 4 May 2011

    Maybe our Libyan friend can volunteer to take over the role. He has the oil to pay for evading manoeuvres, he seems stubborn enough to give the US the finger as he sits on his oil reserves and could be a little angry about loosing part of his family by some not so precision bombing.

  6. MLH MLH 4 May 2011

    Not sure that SA politics are any less ridiculous that USA ones, Judith.

  7. cyberdog cyberdog 4 May 2011

    Wow, Not much different to South African politics, all politicians are bottom feeding scum feeders. All prying on the gullible civilians to fill their pockets with loot. Seriously, show me an exception. Government personal, including presidents should all work for everyday salaries. It is a service to the country, not the country servicing you.

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