We open on a triumphant Saturday night White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Our hero, Barack Obama, trumps a toupee sitting in the audience with a birth certificate all the way from Hawaii. The toupee accused Obama of being non-American so we start the dinner with clips from Karate Kid and Hulk Hogan’s Real American song playing throughout. Michael Jordan dunks and the Yankees run onto the field. All-American classics celebrating another all-American classic now vindicated with a piece of paper from the Pacific.
Our hero/comedian-in-chief then rips into the toupee making jokes about The Apprentice and referencing the moon landing (episode 5, season 21) and Roswell (episode 10, season 9). He’s followed by Seth Meyers who continues shredding the toupee much to the delight of the correspondents who leave the dinner feeling almost as good as they did that night in ’08 when Obama was first elected.
Sunday morning’s headlines read “A night to remember for the president” and “Obama kills at the White House”. There is a sense of a victory but it’s felt by Democrats only. To get the whole nation in cheerful spring mood we need our hero to kill beyond the White House. We need him to take out the one man his predecessor could not and lay to rest a character we’ve come to love over the years.
Cut to a surprise Sunday night White House address announcing the death of Osama bin Laden. Osama’s been with us for almost a decade now and well done to the team coming up with a character blessed with enough intrigue and mystery to last so long. Who will forget the scenes of him walking along rocky pathways in the Pakistani Wild West? The countless YouTube videos filmed in the cinematic confines of Afghanistan caves?
For his last hoorah we take Osama out of the dirty caves and put him in an upscale summer resort 100km north of Islamabad — simply stunning this time of year. Besides, it’s the 21st century — no one lives in caves any more. Four helicopters swoop in and kill him, his son and other adults. It’s important not to kill too many women and children to avoid clouding the issue.
The finale ends with a nation celebrating the death of one man. From Time Square to Ground Zero they wave the Star-Spangled Banner soaking up the moment like it’s the end of World War II. Cue music on a shot of Obama with his hands in the air, cut to George Bush saying “gotcha!” credits roll.
That brings to a close a very eventful season 49 and we’re left with a blank canvas for the next one. As a method actor/terrorist go-to-man Osama will be missed but the show must go on. I especially liked the beard and his soft puppy eyes but the fact is our audience need something new, fresher perhaps even younger. Beards, caves and the Middle East are out. Africa, revolution and goatees are in. Perhaps the next guy can hail from a tropical jungle with ties to Somali pirates and Libya’s oil but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The next villain will only be introduced late in season 50 and before then we have an election to deal with, numerous school shootings and a toupee on the comeback trail.