Say hello to the bad guy, your benefactor

“What you lookin’ at? You all a bunch of fuckin’ a**holes. You know why? You don’t have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your f*ckin’ fingers and say, ‘That’s the bad guy’. So … what does that make you? Good? You’re not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don’t have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There’s a bad guy comin’ through! Better get outta his way!” — Al Pacino as Tony Montana in Scarface.

This quote came to mind as I digested the true implication of yesterday’s budget speech. That being:

• R1.42 extra on a packet of cigarettes.
• 12 cents more on a bottle of wine.
• 6.5 cents more on a can of beer.
• R2.22 more on a bottle of distilled relief.

All good and well, right? If people want to engage in so-called harmful activities let them pay, right? We have a deficit to cover here, right? Hell some shady illuminati-type mind control organisation going by the pseudonym of the National Council Against Smoking thinks that this is not enough. No siree, tax is “only” 50% of the cost of smokes in SA whereas in countries like Ireland it amounts to 79%. This got me thinking, firstly, can we form a national council against the National Council against Smoking? And secondly, is that the most unjustified use of the word “only” outside of the president tallying up his brood?

What is with this beef against us who choose to harmlessly enjoy our lives on this planet? Think of how much your average drinker contributes to the fiscus; beyond recouping the input costs plus profits for all in the supply chain we also pay income tax, VAT, then add sin tax etc. And what do we get from it? Judgement and scorn.

So all I’m asking is, how about some gratitude for us, those hardy souls among us, who as Ndumiso Ngcobo (thoughtleader.co.za/silwane) says “use their livers as the last line of defence against the corrosive effects of alcohol”. We who aid further study into the effects of cirrhosis on the human body. We, who keep rehabs in business, provide entertainment at dull weddings/funerals and, as Mariah Carey recently showed, at award ceremonies.

Imagine a world without Boris Yeltsin, PSL players, club-goers who give bouncers an outlet for that 3.30am bout of roid rage and those married to undeserving spouses. We who showed the world that Coca-Cola can be made just a tad more palatable with just a shot or three of Mainstay and that Nooit vir Nooit can stay on air for eternity as long as it plays after the week’s labour is done. A little “thank you for keeping SAB in business so they can sponsor the rugby/cricket/football/curling going”. Thank you for giving Louis Gossett Jr a twilight career as a platteland masculine icon. Thank us ladies for The Men of Thurst.

Thank you for the huge profits, employment opportunities and tax revenues the liquor and smoking industries generate. Thank you for your help in making watching Bafana bearable. Thank you for Happy Hour, jokes about judges and endless fascinating sagas involving former police chiefs. Are we asking for too much? Is it going overboard to expect that we be formally incorporated into economic theory/modelling? The Manuel/Gordhan Fun Factor Fleecing Theorem. Bankers, tax collectors, surely the vilest creatures outside the Book of Revelations (no not Hustler, the biblical one!) and Aussie refs have been recognised in that field for eons.

Say hello to the bad guys “cos you’ll never see the likes of us again when we have been finally taxed to a tea-drinking, humus-eating version of death”.