SA's WikiLeaks - Thought Leader

• The All Blacks were poisoned before the 95 World Cup final.

• Carte Blanche’s theme song is pre-programmed to be louder than anything else on TV on Sunday nights.

• Thabo Mbeki had a love affair with Robert Mugabe from 1999 to 2002.

• The Parks Board planned to kill the alien goats roaming Table Mountain with anthrax.

• Bob Woolmer was killed because he knew too much.

• Hansie Cronje is still alive and working as assistant green keeper at Fancourt Golf Course.

• “Plan B” was very much a reality before the 2010 World Cup; Australia let us have it on condition we never report on their bestiality record.

• Pieter de Villiers lives on 5 000cm³ helium a day.

• Last year’s Idols was rigged by PricewaterhouseCoopers to fix an in-house bet.

• President Zuma lost half the Kruger National Park in a poker game in Moscow.

• Although he wouldn’t admit it, Gareth Cliff wants to be the next president of the country.

• Human polar bear Lewis Gordon Pugh wears a skin-coloured wetsuit.

• FW de Klerk bribed his way into the 1993 Nobel Peace Prize.

• Peppadews come from Malawi.

• Deputy President Motlanthe thinks Helen Zille is a “white housewife who belongs in the kitchen”, Helen Zille thinks Desmond Tutu is a “lazy old fart who retired way too early”, Desmond Tutu thinks the Parlotones’ songs all “sound the same” and Jackie Selebi thought the high court “laid it on thick”.

• Spur burger patties are 50% poached rhino meat.

• Riaan Cruywagen has been alive for two centuries.

• The Lotto has never actually paid out to anyone.

• Raymond Ackerman came up with the line, “Inspired by you” after he smoked a joint.

*This document is a shortened version of a 2 500 page monster that bored five journalists to death.