Paradise legal: Heavenly high jinks

No really. I’ve been pondering this lately. When your number’s up and you’re hauled before the Heavenly Lifetime Review Board, what goes down? You know, that final moment when you have to make a case for floating about in the land of milk and honey and not being condemned to perish with thieves, fornicators, drug pedlars, those (surely) soulless folk who assault us with Sokkie Treffer Vol 16 compilations during rugby ad breaks and tax collectors. Is it like Judge Judy: state your case, answer a few questions then get a quick verdict with some good ole’ Southern fried moralising thrown in?

You: No you see, I saw the ring on her finger but I was caught up in the moment and …

Booming voice from behind a glowing cloud (BVFBGC): Look up the Seventh Commandment there for me O Gabriel?

You: And she was just so enticing O Lord, surely you knew my weakness when you made me? Not looking a gift whore in the mouth and all that?

BVFBGC *wearing the same smug look as when he stuck an errant prophet inside a marine mammal*: Funny, I don’t recall making an exception for “gift whores” in the Ten Commandments Dave, or am I wrong? It HAS been a while since I wrote them.

You: No, erm … I just thought maybe it was an unexpected erm … blessing, O Lord.

BVFBGC: Do I look like I go around dispensing blessings in the form of loose housewives? What kind of organisation do you think I run here? *thunderclap for emphasis*

You: Erm, *starts humming Amazing Grace*

Or maybe it’s more like Law and Order? A crack squad of angelic Scorpion types go through the evidence and argue against your permanent acceptance inside the Golden Gates? Or the Ally McBeal/Boston Legal route?

Lots of arguments and counter-arguments and squabbling over semantics: “Well you see, O Most High Almighty, I was helping the young lady fund her way through college when I paid to enjoy her pole-based dance routine.” Are your sins read out in full — admittedly some folk-politicians, priests, home affairs officials — would probably just get a summary of their worst to keep matters at an acceptable length what with undead queues being such a pain) and then judgement, sorry Judgement, meted out at the end?

Are you allowed to plead guilty or not guilty to the charges? A nod or shake of the head here and there as appropriate. And what role would old Lucifer play? Prosecutor or defence attorney? For a lawyer he certainly would be. Surely he wouldn’t be a defence lawyer, that would put his hot spa gig out of business faster than you can say “Iceland” and “utter ruin”.

And if he was for the prosecution, surely the defence would then be from heaven’s team (damning each man to defend himself surely seems more Aryan brotherhood than the Christian variety) and surely they CANNOT lose? Infallibilty and omnipotency and all that. Is there an appeal system?

I’d love to get a Kemp J Kemp on my side up there arguing over some obscure detail about whether I can be judged by rules set in a most undemocratic manner. Would one be allowed testimonials? Now that would be something! Imagine being allowed to go the whole corporate route with a multimedia presentation. Yeah baby! .pps all the way. And getting to spruce it up real good too. Graphics, video testimonies *makes a note to make friends with pious types*, bar graphs, pie charts (you’ll see here My Saviour that between university semesters there was a sustained drop in “behaviour not in accordance with the Ten Commandments, bearing strongg testimony to the defence’s contention that the random grouping of unsavoury behaviour was a statistical aberration) revolving bullet points, the works! Hell, this type of polished up bulldust helped keep the subprime mortage Ponzi afloat for almost a decade, surely getting a solitary soul into Club Med Ultimate would be a doodle.

Actually I should get started now. Now where’s my old Sunday School teacher’s contact details …