Open, Sezuma!!

The following things seem pretty certain now — the ANC will emerge victorious from the elections and Jacob Zuma will become South Africa’s fourth post-apartheid president.

The rest is detail. Whether Cope does anything, but dilate the eye of Sauron. Whether Helen lands the Western Cape. Whether hordes of municipalities choose delivery over the ANC’s 15-year inertia — all this is intriguing and important — but still background.

Given the certainties, why doesn’t Zuma come out of his Umshini closet and look the nation in the eye and spell out the specifics of what his dominion over all will entail.

C’mon, tell the nation now in precise and perfect detail just what the throne you have fought for so long at the expense of us taxpayers will mean for us vassals! We dare you!

Have the courage of what you claim are convictions and spit it out.

And don’t insult us with the asinine, empty verbiage now littering your websites, but the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. After all, that’s what you promised to tell us in court, though all you’ve left us with are questions that will haunt your rule like an ADHD tokoloshe on steroids.

But now we want more. We want the unabridged, unexpurgated full lyrics of Mshini Wami, the director’s cut. Give us the facts. How much on crime, housing, education, health, economic stimulus, job creation, infrastructure development, scientific growth, technology, telecommunications, social upliftment, the arts, street renaming, performance bonuses, demolition of the justice system — the whole damn shebang! The when, where, who, what, why and how of the great blueprint for your government.

And don’t try to fob us off with vacuous alibis about not having won yet. You and your comrades from Cosatu and the SACP have been doing the yadda-yadda about all this since Polokwane.

Remember, we are South Africans! We have been lied to, hoodwinked, swindled, cheated, beaten up and defrauded by the best in the business for almost a hundred years now. We know equivocation when we see it. It is all over your so-called website too.

And those who have swallowed all your tergiversation, obfuscation and filibustering will vote for you in a fortnight anyway. So it doesn’t matter if you spill the samp-and-beans now.

Unless, of course, they too have been misled. But you wouldn’t do that, Msholozi, would you? You wouldn’t be anything but candidly honest with those who vote for the ANC because they believe in the Shangri-La you’ve promised them, would you? They are not wrong to place their futures, their dreams and their prayers in your hands, are they?

Go on. We dare you. Give us the truth up front. Be like Ali Baba and show us what magical treasures await us. Who knows, some people might even be swayed …