Open letter to Mr Schabir Shaik

Yo! Mr Shaik

I read in the papers that you were spotted in your BMW trying to buy a balloon. I have to say I am disappointed. Not because you broke parole or anything like that. But getting caught over a balloon is kinda lame. You’re losing your touch. You used to be a stand-up criminal, the kind of guy the underworld could look at and say: I want to be like that man. In the old days, you wouldn’t have gone down for less than an arms deal and a few million rand. And now you get caught for a balloon?

I understand balloons are nice. They are big, round and full of air. I can see why a man like yourself may be attracted to them. But dude, this is just silly. Have you not heard of the internet? Online shopping. Balloons.com. Buy balloons from the comfort of your own house. Yes, you have been in the slammer but as a successful criminal, one does need to keep up with the times. You may be thinking that it will get pilfered in the post. But with your name on it, any self-respecting hoodlum will leave it alone. You know, honour amongst thieves and all that.

I have also heard rumours that you’ve been rocking your old haunts on Florida Road again. Fair enough, I’m also a sucker for the pasta at Spiggies. I’ve even tried the one they named after you. Linguine alla Shaik. A good choice. I like a simple Arrabiata. No cream or anything that will clog the arteries. And the chilli apparently is good for the blood pressure. Well, that’s what I read on the internet. But hey, I’m getting sidetracked. As a one-man white-collar crime wave, I would of thought you were smarter than that.

Being turned in by a waiter, that’s just rank amateur. If you’re going to hang at a restaurant, you need to make sure they are going to be discreet. They can’t be taking your money and then telling everyone you’ve been living it la dolce vita style! That just isn’t right. Haven’t they seen The Godfather? Don’t they know what happens to a rat? You need to lean on these dudes, remind them who you are. You’ve got friends in high places. Real high places. Personally, I think a horse head may be in order. They’re Italian, they’ll get the message. You could pick one up cheap at Greyville. Doesn’t have to be anything special, an old nag who came last in the 9th. That horse that proved why the bookies only gave it a 100-1 chance. You’re good with numbers, I’m sure you can figure something out.

Alright, Mr Shaik, I’ll be seeing you. I’m only back in Durban next year but I’m sure you’ll be around. Maybe we can grab something to eat. Some French seafood perhaps?