Oh Selebi, did you have to be so cheap?

If you are looking for a serious deliberation on the quite frankly embarrassing conviction of former police commissioner and ex-Interpol chief Jackie Selebi, then you my friend are at the wrong place.

If however you, just like me are flabbergasted at just how little it took to bring down a man who had access to so much power and influence, then welcome. Yes my friends, I am not here to debate the merits of Selebi’s trial and verdict, just one simple thing- R1,2 million.

Really Jackie? Chief of police in SA, chief of Interpol, hobnobbing with the rich and powerful, courted, I imagine, by a globally connected criminal network for your connections and influence, and you are brought down for just over a million ronts? That is not even a decent Lotto jackpot. You have as unrefined and unlikeable a friend and confidante as Glenn Agliotti? Of all the scumbags, bandits and criminal types in the world, Glenn Agliotti? Is that really the best you could do?

I am jaded and cynical enough to almost expect high-ranking bureaucrats like yourself to be covertly corrupt. In fact I believe illicit connections and activity do a lot more to further the global economy and international relations than we know. Quite frankly I almost do not care, unless of course it affects me.

Joaquin Guzman for one, easily the world’s most wanted drug-trafficking fugitive, and a man so wanted by authorities that there is a $5 million bounty on his head. He is ranked by Forbes as the 41st most powerful man in the world, and I am pretty sure he would welcome refuge in SA. I think he’d like our climate, red wines, freely available marijuana and could settle quite nicely in Bedfordview with the rest of the criminal underworld’s top figures — and improve the quality of Colombian marching powder being consumed in Rosebank bar toilets.

Or maybe Semion Mogilevich, the public face of organised crime in Russia. He is white, fat, greasy looking and doesn’t project an image of a cerebrally competent person, but hey, that is exactly your type isn’t it sir? He is wanted for everything from racketeering, murder, human trafficking to securities fraud in excess of $150 million. Hear that? $150 million. Imagine getting, oh say 1% of that loot in return for looking after his global interest? I tell you what, if you had him in your pocket or vice-versa, maybe he could have even arranged for those pesky Scorpions to aim their sting elsewhere? No? If you must go Italian, Matteo Messina Denaro is your man. Youngish, urbane, handsome and a lover of fashion, the Mafia’s current capo di tutti capi may well be the one. Or could have been, rather. You could have easily satisfied your retail therapy urges and maybe managed to top the law-enforcement sartorial pops.

But no, you chose Glenn “worst witness in the world” Agliotti to be your downfall, and shamed us as well along the way. I tell you, if our police chief had been in bed with world-renowned criminals, maybe South Africa would have enhanced its reputation as a sophisticated first world economy. We already have a reputable banking and IT sector. Our international fugitive list is still very much full of B-grade criminal types like Jurgen Harksen and Radovan Krejcir. You could have gotten us into the big leagues. Could. Have.

Thanks for nothing Mr Selebi. But if you do manage to successfully appeal your conviction, give some thought on how you could make this up to us.