Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble ...

If you had your life over again, except you could choose to have one virtue, one grace, one of the things you consider good character traits taken from you, what would it be?

Think carefully now, little ones.

We’re not talking about having your whole life, however long, however adventurous, however troubled, however dull, however privileged, being made better because of some swap-out like a cosmological cash-converter.

Nor are we talking about getting rid of a vice, a bad character flaw, a naughty thing.

The question is simple: you have many good qualities about you. But you don’t have them all. None of us has them all. That’s what makes us fallible. Just the way we have bad things about us. But, thank God, we don’t have them all. That would make us purely evil. And there are quite enough lawyers and politicians right now.

Think of an example: I have a friend who is the epitome of compassion. She is kind, vivacious, diligent, brave, gorgeous (though time and motherhood have left their marks), loving, fun, gentle, understanding and many other exquisite traits I can think of. She is also hot-tempered, impatient, stodgy, a perfectionist, non-confiding, distrustful and a few other less attractive characteristics.

On balance, there are few people with whom I would share the end of the world, who I would ask to hold my hand when I’m dying, or to whom I would give my baby if there was space for only one in the lifeboat.

You probably know many people just like her, don’t you? People who embody the qualities you most deeply admire — just as those same people beg the perennial question: “If only he wasn’t such a …” Don’t they?

Oh, one other thing. The question this thought led off with was not a pop quiz. I wish I weren’t so fat. I wish I didn’t have such chawbs when I was a teenager. I wish I weren’t so angry. I wish I had listened to Granny. It isn’t any of that.

The question is: look at yourself, list the good things about you, the qualities others might share about you — kindness, humility, passion, a sense of humour, optimism, equanimity, fairness, generosity and so forth.

Now ask yourself: if I had a choice to relive my whole life (18 years, 27, 36, 44, 55, 62, whatever) all over again, which characteristic would I choose to do without?

Obviously, by definition, you would be the opposite of what you are now, but only in one aspect. You’d be unkind, arrogant, apathetic, humourless, pessimistic, biased, favouritist, miserly and so forth.

Comment back, please folks, we won’t deride you. It should be Wednesday February 6 by the time you read this, but that’s not important. Just give it a shot — and tell us why you wish you hadn’t been born such a XXX person. Fuck around if you feel you have to, but I, for one, would prefer an honest response.

On Monday February 11 I’ll tell you why I wish I had not been born so XXX.