New weird adventures in internet dating

It was short and to the point. As was:

Yes, I’ve recently had another crack at internet dating and yes, it can be depressing. Though this did make me smile:

Right now, I probably know more about internet dating than anyone else, because recently I spent 10 days procuring four consecutive dates on one day.

This is what I learned:

• Most men do not believe in the importance of spelling or bothering much with selling themselves — they just get to the point.
• Female dating candidates are far more in demand than male ones.
• WhatsApp has replaced BBM as the communication method of choice.
• Zoosk was the most expensive (don’t bother).
• DatingBuzz delivered good quality candidates.
• The single best date was from a free dating website, singles2meet.co.za

(Note: I didn’t bother with Tinder since it didn’t fit my brief.)

Internet dating involves two things:
Lots of filtering.
Lots of flirting.

No wait, make it three things. There’s the date itself, which can be incredibly stressful, especially when you’re organising so many dates on one day and there’s a risk that things can go wrong.

I haven’t flirted with anyone in ages, so it took a while to get into the swing of things, but once I got going, I didn’t have too much trouble.

This was my dating profile on some sites:

Get the keys to my heart, put pedal to my mettle and steer me in the right direction. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll take you on the ride of your life with no etolls or speeding fines. My biggest selling point (or so I’ve been told): I love giving massages. Seriously. If you get to know me well enough, I’ll tell you how I got my name.

And my profile on others:

I like acceleration and handbrake turns, but I’m also keen to put on cruise control — basically I’m looking for someone who can be part of a five year plan. The upside? I’ll give you great stories to tell. I’ll also spoil you and make you feel fantastic. And yeah, my laugh will rev you up :D

To understand why I got back into dating in the first place, you’ll have to watch this. (Yes, that’s me doing the voiceover as a sales rep after one white wine spritzer at The Baron on Main.)

Here’s what’s really strange. No matter how cheesy and awful those lines were — I was a person pretending to be a car pretending to be a person after all — it didn’t put anyone off. Yes, I created profiles for two friends (with their permission) but after the initial response to the photo, it was all up to me. I got all of those people to fancy me enough to go on a date by being anyone but myself. In short, I am far more successful in getting dates as a car than I am as me.

No wonder I have finally, definitely retired from dating.