My very hazy crystal ball sees …

Right then — I’ve found and (somewhat) dusted off my crystal ball. Here goes nothing:

1. Despite playing the most beautiful brand of footie in the PSL, Orlando Pirates will not win anything during the regular season.

2. Frustrated at their continuing inability to beat The Mighty Buccaneers, Kaizer Chiefs will re-introduce the Sparletta Cup, beat the Zimbabwean u/12 team 1-0 (93rd min own goal) and be proclaimed as undisputed eternal Cup kings by their merrily clueless band of supporters.

3. Patrice will hire three different coaches this year, interfere with all of them and then wonder why nothing changes. Of course no one at Chloorkop will point out the obvious to him.

4. OJ Mabizela and Jabu Pule/Mahlangu will start a support group for alcohol bedevilled footie stars.

5. The Sharks will win the Super 14 after Frans Steyn finally realises that the best thing to do with the ball after the hooter has gone is to boot it out completely. Heads to explode in Cape Town.

6. Bryan Habana will drop the act and show up on Boots and All wearing gold teeth, gang tattoos and with his bokkie and drie kinders in tow. Heads to explode in Pretoria.

7. Naas will give a real opinion. Heads will explode in living rooms all over the Platteland. Really. Okay maybe not. Would be nice though … Naas. Not blood-splattered living rooms in Potch.

8. Peter de Villiers will finally run out of obscure Biblical metaphors and parables and use normal answers like “Yes, we didn’t play our best but we’ll take lessons from this and build on them.” Heads to explode in the Cape Flats.

9. Graeme Smith will stop fishing outside off-stump. Heads to explode in commentary boxes Down Under.

10. Neil McKenzie will use his connections in the modeling world to engineer a reconciliation between Graeme and Minki. Cue Graeme scoring double tons for fun again. Before she dumps him again.

11. At a press conference to announce his defection to the FF+ Bhutana Komphela will champion merit selections. SARU and Parliament will scramble to seek medical attention for him.

12. Herschelle will have just the one booze fuelled delinquent episode. Just the one. But it will be on the eve of the one-day series decider against Oz.

13. Bareng-Batho Kortjaas and Dr Irvin Khoza to be dance partners on Strictly Come Dancing and win the audience hearts over with their electrifying chemistry.

14. Pierre Spies will pass the ball at least once this year. Then fall into a deep depression as if he’d done something truly horrible.

15. Having outgrown Kyknet and South Rand shopping malls, Joost and Amor will kidnap Posh and Becks and engage in a Ripley style takeover of their lives.

16. During a Kiwi-France Test, Dan-yell Caaarder and Freddie Michalak will have an on field b*tchslapathon over who is the prettier. A typically enraged Sebastien Chabal will shoulder charge them both off the pitch to huge applause from real men all over the world.